There Used To Be Lights Here

there's an unloosed dull oppression that wanders off alone, so far & out of sight, darkening & tossing the mind into a grave-like state. there used to be lights here; lights that would tell stories i would lay here & wait for the air to fill me out with kind words again.

my mother tells me that i lack the good fortune of patience, she says my heart is a delicate glass that i leave hard & scratched open. i know she is right, she knows i am too firmly fixed to lean-in the right way. i used to feel God's love stretching the earth beneath me, my soul moved me to fine waves of a thankfulness that never left me hungry. deep into dreamless days, i woke up on a day; flung floating on an empty page.

this, here, this single page right here.

there used to be lights here.

there used to be a dozen lights; unspoiled & untouched by the figures of horrors. there is a difficult nakedness that i am trying to cover. oh God, hide me into a stream & allow me to seek comfort there.

there used to be lights here.

oh God, i am terrified of the bare forgotten night that has fallen here.

Tides

a love that i have been weighted to wait for, like the end of my favorite songs when i grasp a little sigh of relief at how easy it is to surrender to a solace at the hand of another, i understand how far you have travelled to get here love. i am more tightly closed off that i'd like to be, unlikely to ever admit the scary howling that throws me into pitch blackness each time a piece of happiness is offered, who's to say why a soul bursts into flames of doubts & unbelief. i pray to God beneath the horrors. constantly my love. at nighttime when i am blessed with a little bit of forgetfulness, hope is an olive green garden flowering in the shade of full gratitude & warmth. you are the light to the darkness. the water to neglect. the spring to the thickness. i love you. willingly i follow you in this path decorated with dreaming of long walks of togetherness down a gentle wind. forgive me when i'm away lost to bad voices, i only wish to make a home for you; to turn this dust-in-the-self into daylight. you deserve a mouthful of love. you deserve a life of sweet honey & delight. for the the joy i have growing between my lips. you are the reason. i am resting to the softest tides of a moonlight, & your name is the first on my tongue.

here, i lay open the pages of my notebook to the making & preserving of this love.

i love you. always like this.