Fragments

Is it "irony" that Price Tag by Jessie J

played in every single clothing store

I went into?

I was never one of those people to believe in making resolutions, I mean ever since I've made one to become a vegetarian back in the day (I was seventeen) and I've actually survived an entire period of three weeks! I was excruciated. No more. Just say no. Or yes. Whatever. I feel like when you set a time to achieve a particular goal you're only setting yourself up for failure, especially when it's not a goal but a number of goals. People tend to go crazy with the time to change the old habits routine. 

Change isn't always desirable. That is a fact. Change more than often brings negative results. Change can also be useful in letting you figure out exactly where you stand and where you would like to be standing. Change isn't always about you, though. No, sometimes change is for someone else. And that's the worst kind of change. I have been struggling with this idea for awhile now, did I really change or am I only just now beginning to understand my nature better? I think that's a question we should all ask ourselves every once and awhile. I've found a unique sense of comfort in the answer. 

Love is always tricky for me to discuss, only because I don't know it to discuss it. I believe that lust and attraction are powerful enough in deceiving the hopefuls into believing in forever. Nothing lasts forever. That's not an excuse. That's a fact. We don't start something knowing that when it ends it would hurt, we start something because we know that the period between the start and the finish would be worth it. Think about all the memories that would stand the course of time. Isn't that what life is all about? People come and go, that's guaranteed. One thing they can't take away with them is the memories. Ask yourself; would you rather miss out, or miss them eventually? I've found a unique sense of comfort in the answer. 

Life isn't about defining yourself, it's about putting yourself in experiences that would help define you. We all feel lost and confused more often than we should or would like to, and that's okay. Nothing is simple. Life isn't a test you pass or fail. We don't have to have all the answers, and I'm sure having all the answers wouldn't make things any simpler. I'd like to think of life as fragments; of lost family albums, of an old house I once grew up in and is now nothing more than a building, of old lovers even though the word love was always reserved, of old mates and childhood friends that are becoming strangers everyday, of favourite books and favourite bands that made me believe I was cool, of the first time I've cut my hair and the many times I've regretted it, of the teacher that encouraged me and made me discover I could write, of all the memories of the past even the ones I wish would pass, of all the memories of the present and the ones to come after that. The meaning of life is comfort. Finding a unique sense of comfort in everything. 

Notion

If only you knew how difficult it is for me to think about you, you won’t be treating me this way. I know we’re not meant to be, a girl like you would never settle for me. I don’t mean to bash you, please don’t be offended, I’m only stating a fact this world has set centuries ago. Can you indulge me for a bit? I’m not asking for much, or perhaps I am; why should you give me your time in the first place? I know and I’m sorry.

From the first day I’ve met you I knew there was something about you that was different, how cliché of me to say that right? What is a guaranteed way to get a woman’s attention? Tell her she’s different from all the others. Every woman wants to feel special but you never did and that was different.

I approached you and started a conversation that I was not at all interested in I can’t even remember what I said to you but what I do remember is your eyes that kept hovering the place and the space surrounding us, not once did you look at me. ‘Maybe it is a trick?’ my selfish mind was offended, ‘Is she playing hard to get?’ my selfish heart was wounded. ‘I give up’ I lied to myself, and we went separate ways.

I kept thinking about you when I knew absolutely nothing about you. It first began with a simple idea in my mind to ease my aching heart; did I mention before that I was selfish? I made you up in my mind; I gave you a childhood that left you neglected that way it won’t be hard to love you. I gave you teenage years that left you troubled and angry that way it would be my duty to save you. I gave you a haunting past that you never spoke of that way you would remain forever a mystery. I gave you everything that I could ever possibly give someone... and what can you actually give someone? Absolutely nothing.

‘This is not right’ it was never right. My mind was fighting to keep me sane, to remind me that the girl didn’t exists that it was my lonely heart looking for a mean to keep me in the dark. But I couldn’t stop, ‘You’re in my head’ and you were; it was your face, it was those eyes that ruined me. It was your fault and it will always be.

‘Where are you now?’ I wonder if you still visit. Maybe you do but they forget to tell me. My mind is numb and it has been this way for days; it’s the pills, the fucking pills! ‘You’re here’ why are you all dressed in black? You know I like to see you in colors. Why are you crying? Please tell me, I can fix it. I was born to make you happy. What do you mean I’m dying? I can’t be I take my medicine every day. Come sit beside me dear, I don’t like this distance between us. You’re blurry, why can’t I see you clearly? It’s the pills, the fucking pills always working, preventing me from seeing you. You’re getting more and more blurry; please hold my hand before you go I don’t know when I’ll see you again. I can’t breathe, why can’t I breathe? It’s the pills, the fucking pills!

I’m dying, don’t leave me. I did this, I admit I did this, but I did it for us. I can be with you now in our world that I’ve created for us, we can be together. Darling, don’t cry. I finally realized what I needed to do to be happy.

Her

I don't know how to write to you
I'm not even sure writing is what
I want to do when it comes to you
I wish I could see myself through your eyes
Please be sure that I've never once dreamed of that
I only wish to understand
"Why Me?" isn't what comes to mind
I want to see myself through your eyes
So I can be that woman you think I am
I want to be her learn all her lines
Do whatever it is she does
To have me constantly on your mind
I want to be her to open up and talk to you
Conversations are every bit as exciting and new
I want to be her the one you need to always see
The one that'll make you forget everyone that came before me
I want to be her the one that gives her all to you
Without ever second guessing or doubting you
I want to be her even if its just pretend
I don't care...
She gets to have you in the end

The game

The truth comes easily and so clear to me now, I don’t love him… I’ve never loved him. I don’t have to pretend anymore, he knows it was all a lie. Everything I felt and forced myself to feel only out of a sick need to be adored and admired. But it wasn’t a need that anyone could please or fulfill, surely not anyone. I thought that he would properly be sufficient, even more than that, I thought he would be the one to finally satisfy me, and maybe he did, the first time we’ve met and the few times after that, maybe I did feel something but I was never sure if that something was true if that something was it. After all, all I got from him were these maybes, these uncertainties, and I hate myself for doing what I did, for the lies, the acts, the pretending and all of that. I’ve never set out to hurt him; he was just unfortunate enough to be the only man my eyes saw that one night.

“Men don’t know how to love, they only know how to possess” my mother taught me that. And it’s true; I’ve had my share of men to know how true that is. I was always a prize to them, something they wanted to obtain, never really cared who I am, it was always about the chase and once they had me they wanted to show me off, for a little time that is, they took me to all the fancy parties, bought me the expensive dresses and made me feel like I was their queen, all the showering of affection, the nice empty words they've whispered, the holding of hands and waiting for the camera flash to go off once it did my hand got dropped within an instant.

I got accustomed to the game, I knew what they wanted from me and I knew what I had to give, but everything at a time, all a calculation; when to be shy and nervous, when to be passionate and aggressive and when to be distant and cold. When it was all over, I start again with someone else; a different player but nevertheless the same game.

I know how terrible I sound, and you’re free to judge me but if you don’t know what it’s like then you can’t blame me. I never asked for this, I never wanted to be like this, this cold hearted woman with nothing to give but a play-on-play, a textbook moves and affectionate embraces that I’ve grown tired to do.

When you’re used to being used you become somewhat of a numb pathetic excuse for everything, I’ve never known what it’s like to be loved, truly loved by someone else. My father was never around and I don’t even remember him to be angry with him, my mother only taught me how to survive in life, ever since I was a child she brought me up to realize that life is a vicious game and we all play along, the weak and the innocent have no place and they’re quickly cut out. And when it came to love the only thing she said to me: “love is a lie we make ourselves believe and when we’re left alone, hurtin’ we’re angry ‘cause it deceived. Be smart honey, that’s all you can be. Play the game to get to where you need to be. Your looks will go away and when that happens you’ll see; a man will never love you the way you think you deserve to be.”

He will soon come back just to leave me, he’ll say his goodbyes and he’ll walk out that door, like all the rest of them did before him. Never again will I let myself slip away like this, he was never good for me. He made me crazy and jealous and I’m never those things. Maybe I’ve confused the lust for love, maybe it was the deep desire I felt for him, maybe it was the comfort that his company brought me or maybe it was the fact that he was the first man who never tried to buy my feelings.

Maybe... all I know is a few maybes.

An Encounter

They call my name in the distance
The devil inviting me to listen
He waves at me smiling
'It's okay, stop hiding
Go in there, take it out
Every feeling scream it loud
The knife is your key, can you see?
To live a life down here with me
I'll be your friend I'll talk to you
Of how much I hate those people too
They're not like us, they're different!'
He screams at me from a distance
As hard as I try to ignore it
His presence had me calling
The evil in the world seems to me
Has won it's battles constantly
And only now do I see
This life never belonged to me
He grins wide at the assumption
'Little girl, that's their impression
Join us here, you'll see
Your dreams as they're made to be'
A burning urge cuts through my chest
To burry myself in the wild dust
Tomorrow another day will come
Another mission left undone
By then my dreams will differ
I'll be long lost inside this river.

A lovers dialogue pt.3

Blind Date: #1

'Are you sure that's you?!'

 

Guy: You look nothing like your profile picture!

 

Girl: Is that a compliment?

 

Guy: More of a statement.

 

-Awkward Silence-

 

Girl: So you just moved here? how do you like it so far?

 

Guy: S'right. I knew a lot people around here from Facebook before I moved so the transition wasn't difficult. People were friendly... still you can't believe everything on Facebook. *glaring*

 

Girl: Yeah people here are super friendly you won't ever feel homesick.

 

Guy: Right. You don't mind me asking... how old are you?

 

Girl: That's a red flag right there

 

Guy: I mean I'm just saying... hope you're not a cougar or anything  

 

Girl: You know what? You're so rude, how dare you?!

 

Guy: Clam down, it was just a joke... kind of.

 

Girl: if you must know I've had a few bad months and I'm still recovering from that...

 

Guy: What you fought the devil or something? It looks like he won..

 

Girl: I had a severe emotional stress and it took it's tool on me

 

Guy: Wow... okay let's try and move on from that

 

Girl: You're not so perfect yourself, you know? you don't resemble your profile picture that much!

 

Guy: Yeah.. I had an afro back then that I got rid of now, but I didn't get rid of my entire face, placed a different face there and photoshopped that one and then put it as my profile picture.

 

Girl: It can't be that bad...

 

Guy: No, no honey trust me. It's bad. I thought I was getting a Beyoncé but I got a Whoopi Goldberg instead.

 

Girl: That's just wrong...

 

Guy: Well how do you think that makes me feel? I had so many expectations, man... I mean shit. all I got was shit.

 

-Awkward Silence-

 

Girl: You know what I'll leave if I'm making you this uncomfortable but just remember that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, OK?

 

Guy: Well in that case you'd be so lucky to get a blind bastard

 

Girl: Why are you such an ass? Are looks the only thing you want in someone?

 

Guy: Why yes, they're quite important... and I'm just trying to prepare you for the rejection you'll face more of later on in life, I mean if anything I'm actually doing you a favor. You should just quit while you're ahead.

 

Girl: Well you can keep your favors to yourself. I don't need help, especially not from the likes of you. I might have "photoshopped" my face on my profile picture, but it's still mine. I might look different now than that pretty happy girl on Facebook, but that's still me. And if that picture was only getting me shallow men like yourself then today I'm taking it off and I'll go post a new one of my face right now as it is, without any make up, without any re-touches.

 

Guy: Good luck with that

 

Girl: Good luck living as a superficial dick for the rest of your life.

 

-The end-

 

 

Zoe

 Zoe Saldana, I think I'm in lesbian

with you.



Zoe I have been getting these feelings lately

I've been seeing so much of you lately

On TV on YouTube and even Vimeo baby

You're so pretty so witty and so sexy

Your eyes are as pure as the sea's shore

Your hair is as flawless as the full moon

Your voice... oh what is there to say about your voice?

I would listen to you in my darkest hours

Only you would guide me with just a whisper.

Zoe what a beautiful sight you are

What a breath of fresh air you are

Your thoughts complete these parts of me

These confused, rejected, unwanted parts of me

How do you do it?

Nobody's perfect and I won't argue with that

But you're that beautiful imperfection I've always heard about

You have a new movie coming out that I know will change my life

You're playing Nina Simone and no one wants to believe in that

But I do believe in you Zoe, I know you won't let me down

You're every bit the queen as Nina is to my eyes

Keep going Zoe don't let their words bring you down

You're the perfect symphony the world is yet to understand.