Restless Sleep

There's not much time left
Yet you'll find me waiting
And I've cried in distress
Broke into an awakening
I can't seem to make sense
Of what to come and go
I need more this time than:
'That's just the way it goes'

I don't think of you as much
I try not to do
I've always hid behind these rocks
And walls that shut me through
You're not here with me
And I can't seem to reach you
These words are bond to choke me;
A shaken prayer, promise, to mislead you

Take the memories and leave the past
Filled with the mistakes of a missed chance
Dwell on sadness and painful times
Of hospital visits, surgical cuts and lines
I fail to reminisce even when I'm alone
My memories come to miss
By a sight of you alone.
I won't forget what you were like before
But I can't seem to remember you anymore

There's not much left to say
All I'm left with is to wait
Silence and hope decay
And all feelings left today
Still I can't seem to find a way
To end the restless sleep today
So I'll start again tomorrow
I'll get rid of you
Yet you'll find a way to follow

The Gift

"You must be brave enough to look deeper into a man to understand the nature of his heart" An old soothsayer once told me; though I'm not one to believe in that and the future always seemed too far to grasp still somehow behind all the wrinkles and lines that stretched and aligned that woman's face; giving it a distinct and unique shape, her hazel eyes that hint a pain of all the faces she proclaimed to have helped gain, I found myself drawn more into her lies; voluntarily I sat down outpouring my soul into her hand.

"You're a resister, my darling" She said as she touched and traced the lines on my palm; with her eyes shut, she caressed my hand, I looked at her face trying to read the expressions it was starting to make, but I came out with nothing, like a well adjusted routine, she sighed then slowly moved her hand to my wrist, gently stroking as she tried to ease me out of my resist. "Not a believer as well" she whispered almost to herself, with a slight hint to condescend, she kept on stroking my wrist then moving back to my palm, with regularity that was starting to make me calm, but before I could get used to it, she stopped then let my hand free. I looked at her, she was looking at me; both unaware of what's in between, I leaned in to hear what she had seen.

"You have a gift, my darling, but you seem to have forgotten. Theres a dwelling sadness that lingers within you; a bundle you have collected then carried everywhere you've moved. A past that managed to make and keep you blue because of consequences that weren't due. A young girl that looks a lot like you, crying over the night she had been forced to bloom; a wrong direction that was taken, made you lose faith in all that is you should take-in. No wonder you resist, my darling... how can you believe in anything, after what you have witnessed?"

I shook my head, trying to prevent the tears from rolling down, my hands were trembling and it seemed as if my entire body was. She fixated her eyes upon me; without giving away a readable expression, I inhaled what seemed to be the final-few chunks of air and told her to carry on.

"You have a gift, my darling, but you choose not to embrace it. Going through your life everyday with a disguise you have made, what a pity; for it is possible to come across it, but you would rather alter the way for your heart to deny it then cast it away. Love is running thick inside of you, but before you let it show, you must be able to let a man near you, to understand and know you, to embrace and hold you, to like then love you,  before you allow him to enter you. You can't refuse it any longer, my darling, you have grown stronger, learn to forgive the misbehaves of others and let yourself spare a chance for another."

She held her hand out to me, and I took it in, gently stroking my sweaty palm to ease my shakiness, she gave a warm smile, I nodded and told her to carry on.

"You have a gift, my darling, and I know you can feel it, unhappy; you lead a life filled with weariness, you've gotten accustomed to a game that managed to relieve the temporary loneliness, still somehow couldn't manage to cease the emptiness. Everything felt above the surface; no true meaning behind all the words that'd been said. It's time to give up the act my darling, and to undress the disguise that's been hiding the mess. You must be willing to indulge in yourself before you attempt to open up.

You have a gift, my darling, and its levitating more now, allow yourself to feel what you have resisted for so long, the people that care will stay and those that don't are much easier to wash away. Don't let your sadness swallow you. Give in to the river that floods within you. Don't resist the gift, my darling... For the gift is you." 

pieces

 "I wanted to be alone in quite an unusual, new way. The very opposite of what you are thinking: namely without myself." - Pirandello  

Autumn Leaves

He told me once that I remind him of autumn leaves; the way they fall carelessly in the street to add a shade and colour to it only to be taken away by the wind the next day. I've stayed too long a thought that crossed my mind as soon as those words came out of his mouth. He'll never know how difficult it was to throw it all away and leave, scattering pieces of the remains of what used to be, but I've made up my mind a long time ago; before I've met him, I made a promise to follow this path, the only one I can trust to never last.

Ever since I was a little girl, I had a habit of running away, I used to pretend that I was dead; for hours I would just lay on the ground and watch life pass me by, with one eye open, I would see the birds above hovering over me, my mother in the kitchen cooking for my brother and me, my brother playing football by the sidewalk of an empty street, An odd comforting feeling would surround me; almost like a cloth covering me, I knew that if I lay here peacefully nothing could ever touch or harm me; and its a feeling I never got over.. even till this day.

"I know nothing about you" He murmured to me the first night we shared together, lying in his bed with my head against his chest, I said nothing as he stroked my hair and whispered the same words again, "Tell me anything" he retreated after a few minutes of blissful silence, I sat up with my back facing him, it didn't take long before I felt his cool breath against my bare shoulders, his fingers brushing my hair away, he gave me a tender kiss on the back of my neck as if to assure me that all the secrets that are kept away are saved with him, I turned around and looked into his eyes; these eyes, that burned with both passion and curiosity that still terrify me, I kissed him; I kissed him with a desire that craved a wait, that longed for an understanding beyond the wait; a wait for me, a wait for something bigger I believed I was beginning to see.

I remember the first time I felt it, he was away and I found myself alone in his apartment, surrounded by his presence everywhere, but he wasn't with me; his clothes from the night before laid lifelessly on the floor, his coffee mug still unwashed by the counter, the side of the bed where he slept with me was empty, and I couldn't stand it, my heart was hardly beating and I felt sick; sick of how much I needed him, sick of how much I craved him, sick of the thought of how unbearable my life seemed without him.. I can't have that a thought had crossed my mind instantly I belong to no one another thought crashed immediately.. With all the senses I could grasp in that moment, the only option was to leave, but as I sat there on his bed, a picture of him clouded my head and made my heart see that for the first time I was exactly where I need to be.

"Don't forget me.." I whispered into his ear during that one cold night; when its most cold, the weather is hunting, seeking the lovers, begging them to get closer to each other, to feel the warmth of one another, to remind them of how lonely it could be to have no one with you when the cold and dark precede. He held me tighter to him; too tight, like the words that were just uttered carried a hidden message he was too afraid of getting, "remember me.. always like this" I sat up to face him, I placed my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat that moved fast and in an irregular speed, his breathing got heavy but his lips didn't move, tears were starting to form and I knew he knew what was coming, he feared it just as much as I did but he knew it was coming, I leaned to kiss him where my hand had just been and while I was preparing to leave I uttered the only words I could speak: "Don't forget, you were the first to ever make me feel like this"

Somewhere inside of me that little girl is still trapped, I can't seem to shake her past or the way it follows me in my lonely path; I desire so completely without a bone in my body to ever deceive me, and then I stop as if I had never started... So I'll lay on the ground tonight, with one eye open as autumn leaves starts falling.  

A lovers dialogue pt.4

First Timers/First Impressions 

'Something painful, something real'

Guy: Hey...

Girl: Hi

Guy: I'm sorry, you know, I saw you from across the room and I just had to come and say something

Girl: 'Hey' was the best you could come up with?

Guy: Under the circumstances... yeah.. wait let me rephrase that; what brings you here today?

Girl: Boredom mostly.. 

Guy: I find that hard to believe.. a beautiful woman like yourself with nothing to do on a Saturday night

Girl: Oh? but I am doing something; having this swell conversation with a total stranger 

Guy: Isn't that how people usually meet?

Girl: So this is a meeting now? I thought this was just a pick-up! 

Guy: Wow... I don't know what gave you that impression..?

Girl: Seriously now?! 

Guy: Well somebody's in a bad mood..

Girl: Now we're passed the "meeting" phase and onto the "assuming to know one another" phase?

Guy: Damn you're quite difficult..

Girl: If you're going to keep making judgements, try to intrigue me at least

Guy: Are you always this challenging to talk to, or did I catch you in a bad time?

Girl: You think this is challenging? 

Guy: Hostile almost..

Girl: *laughs* Well if you can't stand the heat, you can leave

Guy: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

Girl: I can do without 

Guy: I gotta say... you're a real pain..

Girl: As opposed to a "fake" one?

Guy: Are you deliberately this enigmatic?

Girl: Are you deliberately this nosey? 

Guy: When I want to get to know someone.. yes I am.

Girl: An advice for the future; next time you want to "get to know" someone stop assuming to know them and actually get to know them

Guy: If they're not giving me much to work with, then assuming is all I've got going for me

Girl: Wrong, this whole notion is wrong 

Guy: Why don't you correct me then?

Girl: I'm not your little experiment 

Guy: Ouch! there you go again with that pain

Girl: Reality pains.. 

Guy: You're pretty real I must say..

Girl: Aren't we all for the most part? 

Guy: I would assume so.. yeah *winks*

Girl: Charming man

Guy: Sarcastic woman

Girl: Thats a way to attract a lady, aye?! 

Guy: *laughs* Oh I know I got no shot at this, I properly missed my chance with that first Hey 

Girl: It's all about that confidence 

Guy: Honestly answer me this; how is a man supposed to approach you? I'm asking for a friend..

Girl: In that case, that friend should be the one asking me the question 

Guy: Wonderful... I got nothing

Girl: You got something.. 

Guy: Something real?

Girl: And painful

-The end- 

The Way

Like a favorite book you try to memorize it's lines or an old picture you almost failed to recognize, like the sweet and sour taste of lies and how they intersect instead of collide, like a love that grows beyond the existence of  a life; an appreciation that lasts, like finding a remedy between these hellos and goodbyes, like the perfect ride with no destination in mind, like the first kiss followed by an awkward pause then a smile, like the way he sees his future when he looks into her eyes, like the way she speaks to him with no disguise, like a notion that is mystified, like old friends reunite, like letting go of the past, like the birthmark above her thighs, like a bad nursery rhyme, like a midnight call when no ones' around, like the words spoken when they're no longer inclined, like a father holding a newly born child, like saying I love you for the first time, like holding hands and stealing glance, like family photos that shows a different side, like believing in everything's alright, like a morning text that makes a day worth while, like being there when he needs you around, like a trust that is built over time, like staying up late clutching the final pages, like losing yourself in a journey you've voluntarily taken, like making the choice to move on alone, like finding a comfort away from home, like ending all those I'm not sure, like a mother's tales and childhood stories, like hard work rewarded, like first impressions and second chances, like affection that isn't demanded, like a song that silence an aching heart, like a song that was the start, like an escape to someplace far, like realising the truth within a lie, like seeing yourself through his eyes, like the way we interact everyday, hoping for a change in any way. 

Mango

There's always a part of me behind everything I write, I have to be engrossed in an idea or a fantasy that I try to capture somehow and keep around for awhile, although they are a bit smudged and perhaps that's only a slight indicator of the kind of person I am, its always been and its still is hard to open up and say yes to those difficult conversations I so long to have.. so until I can gather up the courage and find the most convenient perfect time I'll have to settle for these posts with an update tagged to its side.

Few people come in to your life unannounced, those are the people that are capable of making a difference in your life more than others, they shake things up, they excite and intrigue you, and because they come in unannounced they usually leave the same way. Its the idea of being something for someone hoping that this someone would be the right one and I've gambled with this idea before, though I've never struck, chances are I've always left way too soon, but perhaps its because for someone like me, its always been about being something for someone but only for a bit.

My desire is to collect memories; more and more ever since I came to the realisation that nothing will ever be the same again. Family that won't feel the same again; if there's one thing I fear most is knowing when it will end, when will be the last time to spend with someone, and yet knowing that won't change a thing because all I have is whats in between which is always insignificant. I've always been restless when it came to giving time some more time I know that time is properly the only sufficient thing you can offer someone because it's not yours to give nor offer in the first place, but for someone like me, time seemed to harden things by changing the way they appear to be.

There's beauty in transparency and vulnerability, I've always felt a slight pinch towards women that possess these two qualities, they have this incredible passion towards life and people that is both terrifying and admirable... its like falling down from a cliff but choosing to face down rather than face up, because you want to see/feel everything instead of ignore/pretend until you finally reach the end. My close friend has this big heart that feels everything; if its love or hate or even bitterness its there and felt with every ounce, I wish she would never lose that intensity, I wish life nor time would ever harden her, and I can only hope that one day I'll get to feel in that exact way.

Happiness is illusive; especially the one we associate with someone else. I've always wondered if my own happiness depended on the people I'm with, and perhaps wondering if it is or isn't would mean its not exactly happiness. I've taught myself from an early age to never place my happiness where it don't belong and better yet on things that I know won't last, and somehow I grew up to feel like I don't belong anywhere nor does anything ever really lasts.

I want to be a stranger to everyone. That's always been my state of mind. There are parts to show and parts to hide, a little to write about and much less to talk about... I guess I want the one who will want to discover these parts both shown and hidden and would make the time to stick around even after time managed to harden me some more somehow. And this was just an update with a bit of indulgence inside. Good night.