Woman

'bokra ahlaa'

They tell you to remember the memories you made with someone, because that's the one sustainable thing you will have once that person has left your life. I never had to worry about that; though I have managed to make memories whenever I had the chance, and wherever I went, I never had to worry about people passing me by, because I was usually the one pushing them aside and leaving them behind. It's not easy for me to open up, I bottle my feelings somewhere I can't have access to and I pretend they're not even there, and that's been my defence mechanism ever since I was fourteen years old... You'd think time could manage a wounded rhyme? Well I'm still waiting. 

I lost someone recently; someone very dear to my heart, a woman that left an impact on me I wasn't even aware of its depth until she passed away. I'm a carefully closed person; and I say that for a reason, I've already stated that it's difficult for me to talk about my feelings and so when the news had came like it was expected to come, I found myself accepting it without even a second shrug and I even managed to produce a lie: I've already made my peace with it a long time ago. The days that followed were somewhat of a blur, between the sudden moments of it hitting me, to the moments of complete and utter disbandment; how is this even fair? to the moments of me denying it even happened. What I remember most is me not giving myself time to indulge in anything, I sought distractions wherever I found any, it was almost like my defence mechanism was just lurking in the corner, and as soon as I've heard, my disguise was made-up and prepared... You'd think time would wear that ole thing down? Well I'm still waiting. 

A pure heart and a warm spirit; a spirit that truly shines on everyone, a heart that has an ability to love beyond any and everything, There's not a day that passes that I don't miss her; perhaps today more than ever, because I've finally decided to write and indulge further. I have no bad memories with her, and I can't help but think that this was the gift she left me with; and not just me but everyone. A woman that never gave up on love or the good that life has to offer even though she suffered half of hers. A woman that remembered all the birthdays and made sure to make you certain of how much love is surrounding you. A woman that always said that no matter what tomorrow always brings whats best. A woman that   held such strength that I don't think I'll ever know the real amount of. A woman that always encouraged and listened to me even when I had nothing to say. A woman that took a piece of everyone and kept it safe and covered. A woman that no words would ever be enough to hold her weight or the impact she made. A woman that loved and was loved by everyone. A woman that was all and every woman. A woman I want to see myself resembling. A woman that taught me to be an open book isn't a thing to be scared of because of fear of being misunderstood. A woman that lived half her life carrying an illness that failed to slow her down. A woman that lived her life loving people and showing them what warmth and love is truly like. 

A mother and an aunt; but preferred to be a friend above all that. I don't know how I'll come to cope or deal with any of that; since I feel like a huge part is missing, how was she able to fill such a huge gap? I can only remember what she was like, the only woman that made me think twice about the way I chose to live my life, and contemplate a way to bring my truest self out. If love alone could've saved her then she would have never died. But since everything is a test or a testament of some kind; though I know this once, the answers would be hard to find... I'll wait and I'll be waiting every time.