Lost In

Its been awhile since I last stopped here, I don't have cheap excuses to pour down, or I do, but don't really feel like pulling a muscle, I'd rather be still and see what the wind will say with this one.

I have a howling desire to move away from everyone, a kind of moisture I could never rid myself of, I woke up today melting to it again; melting to it, in it and for it.

I have always trusted this space here with my lips, knowing that I could so effortlessly give in to the river and speak my truth, as I began to shout today, my voice went trembling, a spray of waves that felt unwanted, this is me; sitting here, typing this at the edge of my heart, not knowing if I should cry, begging for hope to come back, or if I should cave into the corners of despair that tucked me in last night.

I catch myself, in fleeing moments, revisiting places of where I messed up, perhaps a certain, recent self-commited mistake is taking a dominate shape, clouding over my mind, more than it should, but hey, I'm here, I made myself available, I drank an entire shelf of guilt, and now I'm in perpetual hangover, blue on blue, like the poem sings: I'm always here for you.

I'm the clumsy person who can not see, does not want to see, the true colours of a harsh reality. It's probably why when I lift my fingers from my resting cheeks, I tag myself with 'delusional' as I make my awkward way through the narrow stream of people I could never, ever understand.

I believe in the reasons and meanings following every situation, I believe in the correlation and connection of all the little incidents that seem, at first, to be as random as the wording of 'innocent eyes' and how unjust is it that we digest the concept of random and luck? I hardly believe that anything is purposeless at all.

I'm waiting, standing amidst the storm, with a sun-crushed heat pierced to my soul, waiting again, for my water to wash me in, to purify me from within, to be forgiven for the deeds of this made-self, to be lost in again, lost within the depth of the solitude I miss the most out of everything.