Difficult Heart

‘No one is going to devote their lives for you..’ she said as she approached me slowly ‘and even if you could find someone who is willing, you would run away the minute they expressed it to you. I know you more than you would like to believe, and honey, you are not looking for love, you are looking for yourself in every arm that ever held you. It doesn’t work like that, it never worked like that, no one has the pieces to complete you.‘ 

Reaching for my hands, she looked at me through a glass of helplessness, I hated that expression on her face, I hated the pain it painted and the guilt lurking in the room, way, way after she’s gone. 

‘I am sorry..’ hesitation cautiously stopped her in her track, for a moment I wanted to embrace her, no, I wanted to be a part of her, not a whole, never a whole, only a distinct memory in a distant space inside of her mind. 

My eyes began to water, and she sat closer to rest her head on my shoulders ‘baby, you can’t keep doing this, you can’t keep on bathing your flesh in sorrow, with the hope you will be born anew. There is no sacrifice left for you to hand, there is no malicious way to feed this void that you haven’t tried already. You need to give up this unfair torture against yourself’ 

‘Easier said..’ I whispered as my tears betrayed me. 

She looked at me, this time, her lips quivered and I knew she wanted to talk a whole lot more; talk about our happy childhood, how she remembers it, talk about the days I was everyone’s long awaited joy, and the smiles that always welcomed me, talk about the dreams of our parents, and how our father always deemed me special for carrying a sensitivity way beyond my age. She had endless stories of a time I no longer return to; filled with memories I can no longer obtain on my own.  

‘You got to learn to fight it.. this.. darkness.. you got to..’ she broke off crying. I embraced her, for once, I was the one doing the comforting, for once I held her like fragility and prayed -for the first time- to God, prayed that He heals my sister; heal her of the burden of having to heal me, heal her of the responsibility that she believes is hers, I couldn’t stand to see her suffering, and worst, I couldn’t stand being the reason behind her suffering. 

‘You should go’ I spoke after a few moments of silence ‘I will be fine, like you said, it’s just one of those days’ like an automatic switch, she raised her head after those magic words were uttered, I learned with my family, the only way to release them is through isolation, I couldn’t expect them to understand, nor should I expect to receive their attention. We are all hopelessly, frantically running, lost in this maze and everyone has their own issues to deal with. I learned to keep quiet about mine, at first it was through shame but as I grew older, it was for survival, when no one knows a thing, or how brutally a pain can thickens, I should be fine, I can carry it, untouched, until the passing of days. 

‘You know how much I love you’ it wasn’t a question but a fearful gesture of affirmation, she wanted me to know that she knows how her efforts had turned in vain, yet again, and how she’s always left with the only absolute she can offer; her love, like a shadow always longing after me, left but an open wound, yet again, waiting to be washed off me. 

‘I know’ was the only response I could give, as I let her go and stood behind the locked door, stealing glances through the peep hole as her figure drifted away, I stood there, diseased at a standstill, wondering if this is the last memory I’ll have of her.. Walking away, like everyone did, with a heavy love they had to put down.