Lost In

Its been awhile since I last stopped here, I don't have cheap excuses to pour down, or I do, but don't really feel like pulling a muscle, I'd rather be still and see what the wind will say with this one.

I have a howling desire to move away from everyone, a kind of moisture I could never rid myself of, I woke up today melting to it again; melting to it, in it and for it.

I have always trusted this space here with my lips, knowing that I could so effortlessly give in to the river and speak my truth, as I began to shout today, my voice went trembling, a spray of waves that felt unwanted, this is me; sitting here, typing this at the edge of my heart, not knowing if I should cry, begging for hope to come back, or if I should cave into the corners of despair that tucked me in last night.

I catch myself, in fleeing moments, revisiting places of where I messed up, perhaps a certain, recent self-commited mistake is taking a dominate shape, clouding over my mind, more than it should, but hey, I'm here, I made myself available, I drank an entire shelf of guilt, and now I'm in perpetual hangover, blue on blue, like the poem sings: I'm always here for you.

I'm the clumsy person who can not see, does not want to see, the true colours of a harsh reality. It's probably why when I lift my fingers from my resting cheeks, I tag myself with 'delusional' as I make my awkward way through the narrow stream of people I could never, ever understand.

I believe in the reasons and meanings following every situation, I believe in the correlation and connection of all the little incidents that seem, at first, to be as random as the wording of 'innocent eyes' and how unjust is it that we digest the concept of random and luck? I hardly believe that anything is purposeless at all.

I'm waiting, standing amidst the storm, with a sun-crushed heat pierced to my soul, waiting again, for my water to wash me in, to purify me from within, to be forgiven for the deeds of this made-self, to be lost in again, lost within the depth of the solitude I miss the most out of everything.

pieces

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense." - Rumi

I Want To, I Want You (Too)

I want to fuel your mornings, stir it up with the magic of a 2AM conversation

I want to nurture your passion, to withstand it, have you slide onto mine with eyes closed and heavy longing flowing from your bores

I want to build foundations inside your mind, mental bridges, penetrating connection with strokes of senses and sounds

I want your rough thoughts unfiltered, gently paving  meanings and erasing all distance

I want to learn new words with you, invading cultures, to smell the scent of cities we've never been to, speaking in strangers language that'll always remind me of you

I want to pass winters with you, walk the rainy weather, warm the lonely nights that hearts barely make it through

I want to experience everything I've experienced before, with fresh eyes, for the first time with you

I want to witness the value in past mistakes, to let go of tired complaints, I want you to teach me the way

I want to smell my morning coffee on the back of your neck, to breathe love into you, like its the last thing I'll do

I want you to fall for what's not obvious, to capture smiles at the corner of my lips and make home for yourself

I want you to hear silence in a whole new way, to fall for it, to fall for how it describes everything, so peacefully, to drink the yearning in its escape

I want to fall for the sound of you breathing, place my hand upon your heaving chest and calm you to ease in

I want to kiss you, tracing inches of you, with my hands drawing maps, my tongue marking territories, and my breath seeking life

I want my lips to taste of longing as soon as they part yours, to scream of coming home before they even touch yours

I want you to spill the heartache into my very arms, and crash into them as time stands

I want to love you, the way I do a favourite book, the one I keep beside my bed sheets, the one I always read before sleep, the one my heart beats differently, to every line in it, it sees

I want to scatter our separate parts, mix them together, see the wonders that'll come out of us two

I want to cook for you, watch as you strive to eat the burned eggs, the overly cooked pasta and salty chicken swallowing to ask what I'm experimenting on next

I want to fight with aggravation, forgive with simplification, discuss contradicting ideas with frustration, accept our differences with contemplation, kiss with intoxication, embrace with the fear of separation, make love like we've fought the abomination of the world and won the war

I want to write you long letters, of buried fears and untamed desires, with my hand cut open and only my blood pouring ink for you

I want to catch happiness in your shy glances, to taste your loud laughter in my mouth

I want to rhyme my love for you with a new set of alphabets, I'll invent letters in prints for you, spell it out so you won't ever second-guess the truth

I want to travel to the inside of your ribcage, dip my feet there, swim that ocean and pour my love there

I want to collide and crash, like stars are being born before our very eyes

I want to write you silly little letters that wish to be poetry, burning holes through my skin, time after time, read with warm intensity

I want to explore the great region of your heart you locked away, caress the bitter wounds of yesterday, healing blisters of past giveaways, open up chakras for me to stay

I want to paint years with you, like God painting the skies aching blue, like autumn leaves falling covered in yellow, brown and orange too, like my favourite colour that always looks good on you

I want to share the seasons together, walk the different paths together, to change the scenery of our minds, unlearn and mend together, grow old whilst reserving our young hearts forever

I want the raging flame in my heart laid beside me, with an aftertaste of ashes to the comfort of your understanding that subsides me

I want to begin anew, leave the door of my soul open to you, like you're the first to ever walk through, like I've been waiting in vain until I've met you

I want to want you in the way my mother warned me not to, to fall to pieces destroyed, like I'm grasping for air while drowning myself deeper in your secret world

I want to engrave scriptures to the palm of your hand, cover our bodies with experiences, like we're tracing the future of our past lives

I want to always find ways to write lists of how I want you, and never quite get it right, stuck within the limits of these words that leave my tongue tied

I want you to want me darling, bare and open

I want you

I want it all with you