17

In the cold night we escape the dark
Leaning in I whisper
'Welcome to my life...
Sweet agony, oh my god, be patient for we are not smart
Let me in clean me out, I wanna begin with a brand new start
Where i'll be a little kid playing thoughtlessly in my father's crib
Oh I wish I'd never have to face the amount of pain I'll later embrace
I wish I could just stay still and never encounter the devil's grin
I wish I never had to make any friend, just so I could get an enemy instead
I wish I knew how much my childhood meant, I would have never left my parents bed
I wish I've known my mother's love, waking up at six o'clock
Ensuring that I always rest, she stays up by my bed
Showing me affection in every way, at seventeen it's hard to say
"I love you mom with all my heart" you're the light that guides me through the coldest nights
The power it took me to leave you behind, I always ask myself the reason why
I never knew how much you meant to me, you only fight me just to save me
You made me who I am today, tomorrow is coming to change that away
The world isn't as magical as you said, I'm afraid to take one step
Don't look back at how things used to be, this is Me this is my reality
Oh lord, please remember me I'm the girl with the empty dairy
with nothing to write and nothing for you to read
It's save to say I've lived enough to see
My life in all it's glory in every picture there's a story
Set the fire watch it burn, taking away all my desire.'

To those that matter

One thing I feel so passionate about is Teen Suicide, I am completely against it i can't stress how much my heart aches every time I hear that a teen has taken their own life. Suicide is never an option to me I don't see it as taking the easy way out because there's nothing easy about making that decision,  although to some it may take a small situation that would trigger such strong emotions that in the heat of the moment they will decide that nothing matters anymore. Teenagers need to realise one thing and one thing only Life is so much more than being a teenager in high school, first of all high school isn't the prime of your life, not even college is, high school is a period in time where you might have it good or might have it bad but eventually it does end, don't feel bad because you're being bullied and people hate you or starting gossip about you, because guess what, in life you will find people like that, some people would hate you right on the spot for the way you dress the way you talk whatever it is they will judge you right on the spot and they will remain consistent with that judgement, and they will be people who would bully you non stop to get some sort of reaction form you all of this happens like its nothing, like there's no consequences whatsoever and most of the time there isn't. 

You need to realise that if all of this is happing and you feel like you are not loved you don't belong, you don't have anyone… guess what YOU do and that person is YOURSELF. respect and love and appreciate your individuality, wear your flag high, the moment you realise just how precious you are and how important your life is and can be you will become transformed completely, you need to understand that you can make something of yourself, and i'm not talking about a fairytale i'm talking about you going to college finding a major that interests you working for an organisation that you love, doing volunteer work, marrying someone, sharing your life with others all of this is so normal and can happen to anyone, and as normal and universal that is it is also magical and beautiful. 

Don't waste your time on those who are wasted, those are the people that don't matter and in the grand picture they are not even there. Read books, watch movies, listen to music, get inspired, become motivated, discover your interests, find your idols, get a plan, work, work even harder, set a goal, achieve that goal, then set another one… realise just how much you could do. 

Please don't ever let anyone bring you down. feel comfortable in your skin and become your own person. 

maybe the best words are the ones left unspoken

I saw this video on the internet recently that truly made me question myself, a teenage girl committed suicide after being constantly bullied by her peers, now let's think about that for a second this is certainly not the first teen suicide story nor will it be the last (the fact that it had became so common to hear about them brings me chills) what shocked me was the cruelty of the people bulling her, obviously bullies are cruel, though there's no justification for it but they are I was just sad over how she needed somebody to be there for her and she couldn't find any. Teenagers tend to be so dramatic and that is understandable everything is sort of blown out of proportion they tend to think that high school is the prime time (which it isn't) but they want the friends, the social life, the relationships... etc. the moment they leave high school and grow up and start working they'll realise there's more to life than a Facebook    relationship status.
I only wish that the girl could've waited a little, if only she had made some sort of a plan or set a goal to when she gets out of high school, to look at the long run where does she see herself but there's no use to saying this now, I only hope other teens would now be more appreciated of their own lives, I don't know what else is there to say. 

drama mama

People, people... oh those people! Alright so it's been so long since I had a good rant on the internet the reason is I honestly ran out of fucks to give, so obviously since I couldn't be a proper nagging asshole I decided to be just an asshole and shut up for once.. it was kinda working but it's time to take a break.
So this post is entirely dedicated to bitches and by bitches I mean annoying bitches, it is also dedicated to miserable dickheads who need to clam the EFF down! So I'm having a beef today which you can't really describe as one since its not really on my mind per-say but I'm thinking about it right now in order to blog about it so I'm really just nagging to get shit out of my system but it's not really on my system (you follow..?) let me give you the short scope, I hate bitches who try way too much like honestly clam down, your ass is way too hyper for me right now, girls are very sneaky about everything and nothing, its too much like, who cares, you know? they have this big production about everything in their lives, 'oh yesterday i went to get coffee at this place and this really cute guy looked at my direction now i'm sure he wasn't really looking at me since he only did it once, but maybe he was, you know? he was also wearing my fave color and had hair on his head ..... blah blah blah' yeah yeah GIRL BYE!
now to my personal favourite dickheads or male who are tiny bitches... whatever you like, now a man should be a man, I love men who are defined by the beautiful motto "No Fucks Given" they literally jump out of bed and start their day with no absolute reflection of what happened yesterday, they just don't care they really just wanna get the day over with have as much fun as they could and go to sleep to do it all over again tomorrow.
Seriously though in all seriousness I feel like sometimes its just way too much to deal with this, we should have a national holiday and name it 'Protect Me From Your Bullshit -Day'
LORD AMEN! 

ring the bells...

pointless and proud

I have been quite lazy for a few days... okay fine, weeks actually! I can't complain, though I'm pretty sure everyone else around me might have a different feeling. To be honest I haven't been doing much just slacking off I haven't even began to dive in the stacks of books I recently bought.. I do need to start though!  soon oh soon...

Today I started my 2 Broke Girls marathon, to get things straight I do think the show's rubbish but there's something so warm about it (insert sarcasm here) it's like a good "bad" show, you know? besides Kat Dennings BOOBS is a power to be recognised, admired and respected. goddamn it!

Now I'm off to treat myself with another beautiful sight that so happens to be called James Dean.... Rebel Without A Cause (excited and in capital-first-letters too)

Completely off-point but my brother sitting beside me playing some NBA game (yes, I am a video games virgin) and its produced by Jay Z... that's pretty dope except the fact that pretty much all the songs in the soundtrack are his, I mean SUCSE YOU HOV lemme upgrade ya...

a bit of a milestone

I've turned 20 three days ago (Nov 1st) and I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about it, it sort of feels like a big deal I always assumed that the "something 0" is a bigge so I guess you could say I'm pretty pleased with my little accomplishment here! This feeling though just makes me question; how can a number change a person? I wouldn't even know how to explain it but it sure does change something about someone.

Red light

Do you ever feel weird and out-of-place for no apparent reason? I mean the conversation is going, the food is fine, the company isn't bad, the "hot" topic in discussion isn't at all that dull but somehow you just can't jump in, not because you can't but because you don't want to. first of all I have no clue why I'm typing "you" when it's clear that I'm talking about myself, it's even worse that I know I'm the only one who's going to read this.. any-whos here this isn't what I was talking about. I don't know why or actually when I became so... how do I put it, absent-minded.. yeah this would fit right in. My friends have always seen in me this "indifference" which I don't even know where I acquired it from, I try very hard not to show it I try to blend in with the crowd but in the end I fail and fall right on my ass. I wish it wasn't like that, I honestly do. Sometimes I catch myself wondering and chasing those what-ifs..  what if I was a bit more social? what if I was the caring one? what if I was the one who brought everyone together? what if what if what if...etc.
Sometimes I think that the whole "individualism" thing is bullshit, really it was just another fancy term that lonely people (preferably hipsters) invented to make themselves sound interesting and to look down on the naive idiot (but actually happy and normal) man.
In the end nobody is pleased, everyone has something to complain about, everyone has something they don't like, be it "too much attention" or "not enough attention" no one is happy, period.
of course this is just my own personal view of the external world... but what do I know, I'm more "typical" than I'd like to admit.

Confession of a common mind

I felt like there was something inside me that pulled me away, that made me hate people. I don't know why I felt different I felt like I couldn't explain myself to anyone no one understands me here, and I was struggling everyday with the routine of the normal life, I just couldn't do it and I wondered was I a coward? How many ordinary people living ordinary lives satisfied and pleased? Why couldn't I be one of them? Why couldn't I be on the other side of the table laughing and holding hands? just once I want to be wanted... I want to feel normal.

Over it

It's crazy this thing called a mood swing. Honestly I've had enough of it, I can't even stand me standing it anymore! So yeah college is kinda being it's old bitchy-self again and it could be the heat or the distance but I'm having a harder time adjusting right now. Really I feel competely pass it, I can't stand the people or the place, the fucking enviornment on its own is getting to me and I can't stand it! it's just like that saying goes I feel like shit and all I could do is just feel it.
What's another ranting post, aye? fuck it, I don't even care anymore, like I said...
I'm. Over. It.

Untitled

I often look and ask
Without a direction or past
I lose my call and wander on
To where no clouds surround
Maybe love exists in places
Where hearts yet to claim
Or maybe I'm just hopeless
Waiting to be claimed.
Years they pass by and little
Did I notice
The people that I love either gone
Or left me broken
It was 'me' this 'always me'
That made a great deal out of misery
Words can't wound the soul it broke
So why would you come back to hurt me more?
Once we had it so close to magic
I always knew love is sweet but also tragic
It takes two and only a habit
To go as far as others allow it
And in the end takes only one
To break a heart leave it and run
Days are the same with or without
The family we choose to trust and doubt
And how many times can we say
We're okay you can take it away
How twisted is this circle gonna be
Next time around you won't even see
Lies isolating everyone you knew
In the morning you're replaced by someone new.
 

individuality pains

Today was no different, my feelings haven't changed I thought I'd give myself some time to think I don't need space, truthfully I can't stand to have more space. I feel fine until someone gets too close to me. Sometimes I feel horrible for thinking the way I do the last thing I want him to feel is that I'm using him, I swear to you I'm not. I want him to find someone who deserves him, a girl who would take care of him and make him happy there's still time. I can't be to him what so many other girls can. It kills me everyday to have to be so cold but I need him to see that I'm wrong for him, as cliche as it is but I'm not the one, he shouldn't love me. I'm screwed up inside and it's too late for a fixing.

Crazy/beautiful

Since I'm on my memory lane and reminiscing when I was sixteen, I thought it fit to talk about one of the films I saw then that changed me so much and still have the exact imapct on me now as it did when I saw it for the first time.
Alright so this film is bascially the reason I became an indie junkie! I loved the colors, the outfits, the filming of the ocean, the photographs of the relationship and the places, the music score, the intimacy and how everything just fit everything else.
My definition of a great film, isn't how big it is with effects or bullshit, no. it's how close to the heart everything feels. the reason why I love indie flicks so much its because I love the simplicity and closeness of it or maybe I'm just lame.
Everyone knows how music playing over still images is major art.. you learn that on the first day of never.shot.a.film.in.my.life course so it's no secret how This Year's Love is another reason why this film is so dear to me, the vocals on that song gives me chills.. every single time.
This film brings joy and tears to me and I suck at explaining why, all I know is that it's a great film and if it went on for 7 hours I would watch it... without a bathroom break.

"And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right."

 

16

Keep a sad song, let it play
for you to call yourself "depressed everyday"
walk away honey, that's all you do
keep saying your grace you know you can't break through
one hand on your face, one hand holding the door
dreams and mistakes lost inside your two worlds
you're young honey, but not anymore
your world just got empty
your happiness left home.

Jack K

He was a young jailkid all hung-up on the wonderful possibilities of becoming a real intellecutal and he liked to talk in the tone and using the words but in a jumbled way, that he had heard from 'real intellectuals.' - On The Road

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man play a song for me

I am inspired now more than ever. I want to try writing a novel... again.
My history with writing stories is quite eventful, after finishing six chapters and getting positive feedback from friends I decided that the story I was writing at that time was good after all.. but of course things had to go bad somehow, my hard disk burned and I lost all my documents (short stories, poems, thoughts...etc)  I morned for a year and a half and swore never to call myself a storyteller ever again.

Now, I feel like its time to dig in more into that side of me, my dream is to write beautiful coming-of-age books that teenagers and kids around the world could relate to.

post break-up girl

Can you believe this is the day
we stand together parting separate ways
nothing I can say will make you stay
I'm not sure you'd like to hear it anyway
So...
let the silence make it way
let your heart lead you away
let our story and the memories we shared
shatter to pieces leaving my life at stake.
believe me I do understand
for god's sake you're only a man
with holy lies and confused heart
you're tangled inside there's no way out
you cover your world with mixed colours
a black and grey are easily discovered
you display what you choose
you hide yourself in your booth
you don't trust anyone but you
with secrets and whispers which will only haunt you
you escape your sense and go on
with burdens and hatred you're left blind
with no meaning behind the truth you can no longer approve
of anything but your game, with no players who needs rules?
everyone you know you've left behind
running and screaming away from your land
In the end, does it matter?
what we once shared isn't the matter
it's you, you'll stop pretending one day
and open your eyes and see your mistakes
you'll laugh in the dark you're pulled inside
you've finally realised you've lost your mind.

Daydream Nation

I've watched Daydream Nation today for the first time, other than increasing my sexual frustration I have no idea what the film was about, a bit predictable, a bit strange at parts and honestly plain blah at most parts.
I have a feeling it's one of those films that you hate at first, then you start watching it again and you're like hey it's still bad but at least its watchable then you really start watching it and you're like holy shit i like this shitty film... yeah can't wait.

On another note, my festivity eyes burned with passion upon seeing the beautiful Kat Dennings, how attractive is she?! damn, it hurts my soul. 

late thoughts

I see the world with teenage eyes
I pray that'll never dies
I hope my words reach you and you'll understand
that my love was meant for no man. 

first time

Oh my.
Finally decided to get something out of my misery, could a blog be the cure for all things bad in this poor girl's life? Amen.
I don't know why I've created a blog it's properly just a faze (my little hipster faze, I'm rocking bright-hot-in-yo-face nail polish and some weird tribal dress) I've got real issues, man. a blog is the cure. I know.
I need to go pee now I'm one of those people that can't concentrate unless they've pissed first.

This was interesting.