"I can't be afraid to lose you when you were never mine" She spoke after a prolonged hesitation that had failed to prevent the heavy air of discomfort and unease from circling around them. He stared at her, completely mesmerised by her expression; her watery eyes that held the gift of rain, that innocent look she always has; unaware of what words to say that can be of use to her this time, he chose to retreat and remain silent; for his words though always powerful were often misleading in their nature. After a few moments had passed with both of them in opposite ends of a room, he walked towards her; in the way a drifter walks through a tunnel, and sat down beside her on the coach; "Uncover yourself to me" and -for the first time- there was nothing more he wished to say.
"I am alone, I was born to be alone. A refugee by choice, I don't wish to ever belong anywhere with anyone" She proceeded in a confident manner and an assertive voice he had heard little of in the past time they spend together, leaning forward with a smile, he was both intrigued and attracted to this newly discovered sense of identity she seemed to possess, aware of the sudden curiosity she aroused in him, determined for him to understand her, she continued ridding herself of all the hesitation that kept her captive for quite awhile.
"I've promised myself; and what a filthy word that 'promise' one is! To never allow a man's words to affect me in a hope to change me into something I'm not. I had met men who swore devotion above all, ask me now where are these men? In the time I most needed them I failed to find the comforting shoulder I sought to rest my troubles in. A game and nothing else, love is a losing game I was taught to play and quit before it turns a mess. Like my mother once said: 'Men don't like you, they like their reflections on you' The strongest woman I know, she carried the weight of a helpless man and made her only daughter see the truth behind all the fairytales she once dreamed.
I won't deny my father's love for my mother, but like every attachment it came with its preconditions, do you expect me to believe that two hearts are bound to intertwine together for eternity? The greatest gift a father is to give his daughter is to love her mother, and then what? I hadn't felt the warmth and affection in my home ever since I could remember, and I know it grew cold from all the years, so why would I, while knowing that choose to believe in a 'what is come to pass'? I refuse to embrace any feelings that will shatter my heart."
"You're speaking entirely of somebody else's experience, what about your own?!" His question interrupted her inner train of thoughts and recollections, if she hadn't looked at him to find him looking back, she would have assumed he had left awhile ago, "Why do you insist on resisting what you've never experienced for yourself?" his eyes gleamed with the passion of curiosity, she saw him look at her in a whole new way, yet couldn't help but think of how frighting it was to have him look at her that way.
"I can't acknowledge my feelings for anyone" she begun in a shaky voice, a contemplating tone; deliberating how much more she wanted to reveal, "Why not?" he interrupted her again, this time his face adopting a different expression; a frustrated or a rather sad look had crossed his eyes before he quickly regained his composure, "Why don't you want to admit to your feelings?" he spoke in a caring tone; almost apologising for allowing frustration a welcoming pass, she looked at him; shaking her head twice; in a way refusing her tears a welcoming pass, he gently placed his hand over her leg, reminding her of the safety that little move used to bring her.
"I can't acknowledge my feelings for someone because I'm terrified of how intense they might be. You came out of nowhere, I don't know how or when you managed to cross paths with me but you did, and ever since that day, I was never the same. I felt in a new way, you opened my eyes to seeing the world differently and yet I never asked for this. I don't want my space to be invaded with a thought of you. I don't want my mind to wander off only to come back with a memory of you. I don't want my heart throbbing with a mere mention of you. I don't want my hands to crave to touch you. I don't want my tongue to desire to taste you. I don't want to 'get to know you'. I don't want to keep thinking of you when I'm in the process of forgetting you. I don't want to love you. I don't want to want you in the way I do."
A heavy sigh followed the unspoken words, she just uttered; the ones she always dreamed of saying to him, he was staring at her, failing to hide a pale expression of shock, not knowing what to say or what to do, his hand still remained on her leg, with his eyes fixating upon hers, he inhaled a deep breath, moving his hand toward her knee and pressing lightly, she looked at him with a single tear escaping her eye, he brushed it off with his finger, with an expression of gratitude dominating his demeanour, he leaned forward with a smile; and like a drifter who just walked through a tunnel and came out of it; she finally recognised the gift of rain she always had, and he couldn't help but be thankful for he was the lucky man she chose to pour down on.
