Remedies

Are you conscious of the space 

your absence creates? 

I believe that we as human beings, are more complex than we think, but not as nearly as we act to be. I have discovered a pattern recently that had set my whole being into a state of disturbance; similar to an out-of-control noise making machine, or one of those trashy lights you see at cheap clubs, that are too shockingly bright, they blind. I've discovered that I lose myself everyday, that my peace of mind, my vibe (I love that one word) was fleeing away, and I didn't know how to get it to stay. Everyday is different, though it might not seem that way to the outside eye, everyday I learn something different, I unlearn something, shifting my perception in the right way, I feel different; every waking moment, carries with it a new emotion or sensation, penetrating my walls, and exposing my light to the world. Its everything. I want to find myself again. I want to reconnect again.

I'm interested in people; more specifically their minds, hearts, spirits, and the different atoms that shape their personalities. My curiosity is like a burning candle, heating its surrounding, providing warmth and most importantly lighting a fire of connection, and leaving ashes of understanding. Coincidences sparking conversations, exchanging ideas, jumping on frequencies, and unravelling truths. I've realised that people have nothing to hide, once they are shown that there's no reason to, remember when we used to complain about trust, how many of us didn't demonstrate their trustworthiness to begin with? And that will come about, once you let yourself be shown. I grew, moulding myself into a fixed structure, I did not know how many layers of cynicism, I've sought to suffocate myself with, I fell hard into a bottomless pit, reaching up only to knock myself back down, all the while thinking: 'familiar is comfortable' I think it was the lies I told myself, that kept me captive for so long.

My heart is anxious, but its also sacred. A gift of intensely feeling everything, always sparked an interest in me, and quite a few people seemingly intimidating but actually courageous, held that gift. Fear is real, I've always wondered about the person(s) I'll pour portions of myself into. I lust for a conversation at 2AM, spending hours thinking and painting words, the other person, beside me, with a canvas laid out in front of us. Go. Go. It's that simple. Love does not know fear, you do. From my experiences, we start with cautious and deliberate, with both sides offering secondhand flattery, skilfully playing a game of hide-and-seek, only to realise, that both armours weren't conquered, preventing anything raw from entering. I crave to find a connection, in the empty spaces between words, to awaken truths in the other person, to feel together, and learn together, I don't believe in prerequisites or promises, no matter where we both end up; even if apart, I'd be comforted knowing that, I carried a piece of them with me and they did the same. I desire intensity, the sort of beauty that captures everything.

In my solitude, there's serenity.
In my heart, there's hope.
In my mind, there's curiosity.
In my soul, there's patience.
In my life, there's good. 

Try

 He eyed me with suspicion, narrowing his eyes to examine me, I felt somewhat uncomfortable and I hated it, I don't remember ever experiencing discomfort when we were together, but I guess, that's the thing about memories, they tend to be selective when it comes to me.

"Why are you here?" He stood up, walked towards me to take the box, and placed it by the fireplace, then gestured for me to take a seat, I shook my head and he sighed, we were both standing awkwardly, a thought of leaving passed through me, but I dismissed it as soon as it appeared, I wanted to savour what little time I had left with him, even if that time meant remembering him this way. 

"We didn't get a chance to talk, last night" 

"Yeah, you seemed busy" 

"You left early" 

"Its not really my scene" 

"I wish we've talked" 

"I know" 

He reached ahead and grabbed my hand, leading me towards the sofa so we'd both take a seat, I looked down at our hands interlocking in a tight grip, time stood still whenever that happened, to an outside eye, it would look like its a habit that needs to die, but him and I both knew, it was much more than that.

"What is it?" He said as he grasped my hand tighter, "Tell me" I could taste the curiosity in the air he breathed unto these words, for a moment, I saw him; he was back, not the distant man I came to know now, but the one I've fallen for, the first time we've met. 

"I'm scared" I spoke with what little I had to give, he brushed my hand with his thumb, placing his other hand around my shoulder, silence was the only way he communicated with me through times like this, hardly ever mouthing a word, yet always ending up saying a lot. 

"What scares you?" 

"Moments" 

"Like this?" 

"Yes" 

"Why?" 

"They're not enough anymore" 

He let my hand free, standing up instantly, and walked to the fireplace, didn't say a word as he stared down at the box, I watched his back tense, his heavy sighs, alone on his sofa, with my hand held open, I stood up and walked to where he was standing, he turned around to face me, I took him in an embrace, to ease the pulsating heartbeats, feeling the hesitated breaths on my neck, I sighed then backed away, resisting an overwhelming craving, that was about to carry us both away. 

"You can't do this" He said with a hint of pain adapting his voice, staring at the fireplace as he spoke, "I tried to understand you, but you never allowed it" his eyes looked fierce, with a wild reflection of heat surrounding them, "I wanted to learn about you, but you never gave me a chance" he turned his face away, as his eyes started to water, I stood there speechless, chocking with the desire to bare myself, and the fear surrounding it. 

"I'm sorry" I whispered after a few minutes had passed, "I shouldn't have come" He turned around as soon as the words were uttered, "Why are you here then?" I looked around the room, hiding my eyes from his intense gaze, he grabbed my jaw with his hand, taking me by surprise, "You can't keep doing this" he hissed, before letting go, walking back to where we were seated with despair following on his footsteps.

"You don't know how to be real" He spoke, dangling with words, staring at me with a look of someone who'd given up, "That's why you're here now, you want another memory; a story to tell yourself when you leave" I stood startled in my place as I've realised coming over was a bad idea, thoughts were rushing through my mind, of a better time, a beginning where there weren't any challenges or troubles, only a couple of intrigued strangers lacking the knowing.

"I don't like being exposed"
"Who broke you?"
"Stop"

I turned around, walking towards the door to leave, he met me halfway, blocking me, I looked at him, he was staring back with the same intense gaze of earlier, placing his right hand around my waist, as if to prevent me from moving any further, I dropped my gaze to the floor, trying to hide myself again, to no success, he lifted up my face with his other hand, with a smile fleeing too soon, inhaling before he said

"It's okay, I'm here"
"I'm scared"
"Of what?"
"Anything real"
"Is that why you've disappeared?"
"Its why I always disappear"
"Who broke you?"
"I don't want you to fix me"
"I don't want that either"

"What do you want then?"
"I want you"
"This is me"
"There's more to you than this"
"No"
"I want the other parts of you"
"What parts?"
"The ones you hide from yourself"
"Why are you doing this?"
"I wish you would include me"
"I don't know if I can"
"Try"

He took my hand in his, leading me towards the sofa, pressing my fingers to his knuckles, I sat down beside him, inhaling my desire, and exhaling my fear, while he calmly smiled, I relaxed my muscles, knowing there was no going back after this.