#1

(29/12)

I woke up at 4am today and I couldn't sleep since, my mind is racing with thoughts, going in circles, refusing to penetrate into the stillness of pain that has taken shape. I keep thinking of lost opportunities that we could have shared, I know how selfish that sounds, but perhaps grief is just that.. selfish. I believe that Allah finally rained mercy upon my father, not only with the ending of the prolonged suffering, I believe that he sentenced him to suffer in his final years for redemption, and I truly feel that he had been washed pure of past sins and errors. I miss him. I know that the space he once held will not be filled with anyone else. I know that his loss is perhaps the greatest loss I have felt in my life and will feel during my lifetime. I wonder about the empty days, the long hours, in this now hollow home, where walls breathe his departing spirit, where every corner is panting with memories of him. I am trying to stay strong, knowing that this is the ultimate testament of faith and absolute surrender to the natural waves of a destined fate, my patience is being called upon and put to the hard test.. All of that I know, all of that I understand and I can rationalize but still... It doesn't take away from the immense ache I feel in my heart, knowing that now I will not get to feel his being in this life, I will not get to hold his hand while we talk, I will not get to sit in silence together and think, I will not hear his laugh, his infinite scorn over the state of politics and economy of this country, his infinite hope and optimism, call it even patriotism for this country, his English sarcasm and his ever-amusing dry humor, I will not get to kiss his forehead, a kiss goodnight, I will not get to see him here where I am, and my heart silently cries when I think of the days, months, years to come, that I am forced to live without him, the major steps in life I'm forced to take without him, and all the happiness and colorful emotions I will be experiencing without him. My shock is wearing off, slowly, knowing that sadness is not an emotion but a mood. I do not know how long this sadness will last.

I believe in the kindness of Allah, I also believe in the fragility of this reality that carries life.. No wonder they say, you lose a part of you when you lose a beloved, because you once shared a place together: of thoughts, feelings, conversations, experiences.. etc. that when the beloved is gone that place that was once, so familiar is left abandoned and you are left feeling just the same. I catch myself thinking 'I can't believe it' even though I do, I just can't conceive life, now that it is somewhat disfigured. Baba's presence is everywhere, even in the background of my life, I find him there. This is what grief feels like, tip toeing around the circles of memories with his scent, knowing that once entered, life wouldn't be the same again. It would be different, so different that the notion of adjustment is not only impossible, it doesn't even make sense to me right now.

To state the painfully obvious, mortality is indeed necessary for life to have meaning. Sadly only when confronted with death, does one seek out said meaning. Sadly the survivor is one to pursue such goal.. And as my heart is torn by separation, for now I am numb, so numb. I do not dare to move at all.