Open Letter To My Father

At the shores of silence, we are embraced by all the words we lost to time, the most painful; the ones that never really stood a chance

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Father, a part of me, parted into the deep in search of you, undoing tongue-ties of you, sewing threads to memories of you

Mother broke over night, I prayed for peace, I watched the moon turn grey-blue, lost in grieving you, on her shoulders I cried for you

Your voice still lingers in the mist of morning, awakening the ruins of people; buried deep in colorless dreams. Your people, turning, tossing each day, learning to live again

I glimpsed your ghost, wandering in passing, waving in difficult distance, without a mere willingness to surrender to my alone crumbled longing

I'm half chained, sleepwalking, this  world seems larger than my knowing; pale, plain and printing expired meanings to a season of dwelling

Your secret language haunts me, I hardly squeeze your name in conversations anymore, my heart is lost, looking for it's missing pieces, echoing for a place of belonging

You left without a warning, without the comforting sound of a final promise, in the deserted haze of a hushed hour, nobody was ready to let you go, Father

How could you just leave..

Because of you

Faith stood suspended on a tightrope, I forgot the sound of heavens, hollow hazy promises tweaked my dry throat, because of you

People twist the mountains to sweat the sadness temporarily, to wipe memories off their tired eyelids they laugh furiously, because of you

These walls wrapped themselves in breaths of you, emptying a home that killed every sound in wait for you, wouldn't stand on its own two feet, because of you

These corners plunged to blank days crushed in secret sorrows, voiceless weeping, thickness that aches for you, bursting with agonies, because of you

Every lullaby ends with words; heavy scattered words, drifting into the vague unknown, containing only one wish: to have you back home

Father,

This weight is slowly smoldering me, I stopped kneeling for The Lord of mercy, mourning unanswered prayers, mourning the past and a frozen present, settling in the strangling stand-stills

'Life is too short to live in isolating anger' you used to tell me, but anger  is chewing, spitting me out to the frightening fears, there's so little hope left here, an innocence that ceased to exist, estranged in perish

The ink dried on my hand, Father.. Who do I turn to now? when the days grow colder, melting into one another, the urge to fight this, fading away, one day after the other, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, not at all and you're too far to hear this, too far to see this, too far to relieve this

They all hear my cries but you, the only one I look for is you, all I want is to be reunited soon, and I'm trying.. I'm trying, because of you, because of all the dreams you had when you held me in your hands, because of the lessons anchoring me to the ground, because of the name I proudly wear, the legacy I carry on my back. Because of you, I stand

Perhaps goodbyes aren't scripted in life, so we stand, in the brilliance of silence, to embrace loss as a part of love, death as the darker side of life. memories of you, run deeper, deeper to cut the wound in half, for the heartache, the healing, rushing my way

I'm stretching my pain in the waters, to an image of you smiling down of heaven, to say: we'll meet again my loved one, to reminisce with lighthearted laughter, in the warming shade of the hereafter

This is the only reassurance that keeps me going,

Father,

I miss you