the road of recovery intertwines indefinitely. with every pursue of promised closure. within the depth of being. lies the child and the trauma. the intricate verbalizing of one’s love language is learned there. to study a person’s nature happens when the tangling isn’t so severe. for the mind to take-on the examining narrative, completely, without the heart’s stubborn interference.
ever again.
direct the flashlight onto the journey thus far. for every assault; innocence struggles-in-wrestling. to be sought after. regained. through healing the unfortunate sacrifices of one’s own.
narcissism is a notorious evil. completely devoid of the good-in-human. it exists to shrink a spirit in drain. to dismantle it. to rob it of the breath of energy. with awful beat-downs fueled by self-righteous fury and hatred exercised in punishments to uphold power and control. to love a narcissist. is to condemn oneself to witness the purity of love chocked in bitter tears. with the diminishing of self. the deserting of self. the molestation of self within a violent torrent of abuse. a slow feasting. slobbering over one’s worth and esteem.
there is no love large enough. delicate enough. embracing enough. to chase away the cunning ways.
the erasure of reality as i knew it. defenseless. i stood to my own truth. blinded to my frame of reference. charged and convicted with a monstrous verdict, without a trial. i was made to believe wrongness was deeply rooted inside of me. i suffered through years apologizing for the way i am. the way i am that deserved the terrible neglect, disrespect, unjust treatment and insults. how throbbing is the evil of a person to instill and force a lack of belief in the other. to assassinate the conviction of the other, of their innate goodness. and gifted humanity. to consume the heart of the other with cruel intimidation. threatening every genuine address of needs. shamelessly. through a shouting misdirection. selfishly distancing then disappearing whevener pleased.
suffocated under the weight of his placed guilt. the narcissist pressed me against a vicious abandonment to deal with a miscarriage of love. claiming it a result of my own faults of nature. with difficulty every time. i would rise to wipe away the mess. of a festering, faithless pride.
for all the unnatural evil seated in his true colors. the indecent ugliness concealed in thinly worn pretends. cries of oppression never, ever fade untraced. and i feel God’s wrath has already taken place. with the gradual toiling of a soul, rotten in loathing. forgotten in gruesome decay. i pray for it. i do pray for it. in spite of the sourness. and perhaps precisely because of it that i pray it is not too late. may death never catch him unguarded. may He heal and save him of himself. in a final act of accepted repentance and pardon.
in every appeal, i pray for Him to knock and shatter this mountain of ache pushed against my heart. God loves the kind. and i pray for kindness to move me. pondering meanings. lessons. gathering pieces to love myself again. God loves the kind. and i pray for my spirit to never cease calling after the Light. God loves the kind. and i pray that every dread-filled memory perish at the hand of time. for consolation to fall readily at my lap. God loves the kind. and i pray He loves me. for the affection watered in-waste. the patience. the endurance. the silence to the smearing lies. i pray He never hold my anger. my sorrow. against me. may He forgive me for the dwelling of a lifetime in hell. i pray He loves me for removing myself out of harm’s way. far away from somebody’s remorseless habits of pushing me to the edge every single day. i pray He loves me. for ending a painful love, of abuse. God loves the kind. and i plea for a generosity of kindness. to recognize and always carry me, closer to You my Light. pleading for protection and mercy. always. from ever encountering an evil like that.
ever again.
اللهم لا تسلط على من لا يخافك فى و لا يرحمنى
اللهم لا تسلط على من لا يخافك فى و لا يرحمنى
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