Your Song

Be here for me, I could not bring myself to say it when you were around, but I'm saying it now. Be here for me. I miss you and perhaps that should be enough, I should perhaps stop writing now, but I can't. I've numbed myself for many weeks now, I don't remember how many, the days dragged on with a slow blur to them, I threw myself at work, at people's problems, at books and cooking, all to distract myself from thinking of you, and I've ran my fuel empty , I'm empty again. I hate this. I hate it. I was doing fine until I went through your box of memories, and read the silly little poem you wrote for me, the first ever in a line of chain we've exchanged over coffee dates and tired-out movie scenes.

I can't breathe without inhaling a thought of you deeper, do you know what that's like? My lungs are burning, and my heart is suffocating in between the fire. I don't want my secrets back. I gave them to you, you were the one person who meant the world to me, you were everything to me, but you left me.

You woke up one day and didn't love me anymore. My heart was too heavy for you to carry, it sickened your soul, my pain burdened you and my sadness drowned you. You said you were leaving, and I cried with you standing there speechless, I asked you not to leave, I begged you, I promised you I would change, promising to be a colourful disposition like the girls on TV but you said don't, you said it wouldn't change anything, you were leaving anyway, I held on to you like a last hope, my last chance at happiness but you shuddered me off and said stop, then you told me dwelling on it will only make it worse, and that we've had our run but its time we stopped, and just like that you were gone.

Your ghost haunted me, the air in my apartment carried your scent, my body forgot how to get out of bed, for days I laid there, shivering to the pain that showered me, I cried until my pillow spelled you out, I laid on your side of the bed and cursed myself for it, it was cold and lifeless, just like the furnitures and the walls, like my heart that ached to the fist smouldering it, never wanting to die because you might come back, you might change your mind, you might apologise and blame your doubts, I gave you everything and somehow it wasn't enough. Like a falling star you chased me, and I know now that you never caught me.

Your friends became strangers, and the places we loved became forbidden, like an entire chapter of my life was shredding, page by page, and I didn't have the strength to burn it all together, it left me sore and bitter, I forgot how to hurt, how to feel pain, I've struck my chest to tell me something but it was quiet, the stillness was choking me, and yet my heart was beating, with the stilling pulses that were a slow death to me.

I hate you. I wish I knew how to believe that lie, I wish I knew how to resent you without longing for your return, you brought the heavens down to earth for me, you warmed me with an understanding like never before, you kissed each and every one of my scars and promised there will be no more, you made me crave you with a desire that nearly killed me, and then you saved me, and taught me how love was made, and how you desired me just the same, you tasted the rain I keep hidden inside my soul, then covered me when I got cold.

Perhaps we've fallen hard into something that we've mistaken for love, perhaps we've dived too deep into the bottom, until you couldn't breathe anymore, perhaps I was just another curiosity unfolding, perhaps there was another one calling.. I don't know, and I don't think I'll ever know. Now all I wish for is silencing your song that follows me everywhere I go.