He told me once that I remind him of autumn leaves; the way they fall carelessly in the street to add a shade and colour to it only to be taken away by the wind the next day. I've stayed too long a thought that crossed my mind as soon as those words came out of his mouth. He'll never know how difficult it was to throw it all away and leave, scattering pieces of the remains of what used to be, but I've made up my mind a long time ago; before I've met him, I made a promise to follow this path, the only one I can trust to never last.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had a habit of running away, I used to pretend that I was dead; for hours I would just lay on the ground and watch life pass me by, with one eye open, I would see the birds above hovering over me, my mother in the kitchen cooking for my brother and me, my brother playing football by the sidewalk of an empty street, An odd comforting feeling would surround me; almost like a cloth covering me, I knew that if I lay here peacefully nothing could ever touch or harm me; and its a feeling I never got over.. even till this day.
"I know nothing about you" He murmured to me the first night we shared together, lying in his bed with my head against his chest, I said nothing as he stroked my hair and whispered the same words again, "Tell me anything" he retreated after a few minutes of blissful silence, I sat up with my back facing him, it didn't take long before I felt his cool breath against my bare shoulders, his fingers brushing my hair away, he gave me a tender kiss on the back of my neck as if to assure me that all the secrets that are kept away are saved with him, I turned around and looked into his eyes; these eyes, that burned with both passion and curiosity that still terrify me, I kissed him; I kissed him with a desire that craved a wait, that longed for an understanding beyond the wait; a wait for me, a wait for something bigger I believed I was beginning to see.
I remember the first time I felt it, he was away and I found myself alone in his apartment, surrounded by his presence everywhere, but he wasn't with me; his clothes from the night before laid lifelessly on the floor, his coffee mug still unwashed by the counter, the side of the bed where he slept with me was empty, and I couldn't stand it, my heart was hardly beating and I felt sick; sick of how much I needed him, sick of how much I craved him, sick of the thought of how unbearable my life seemed without him.. I can't have that a thought had crossed my mind instantly I belong to no one another thought crashed immediately.. With all the senses I could grasp in that moment, the only option was to leave, but as I sat there on his bed, a picture of him clouded my head and made my heart see that for the first time I was exactly where I need to be.
"Don't forget me.." I whispered into his ear during that one cold night; when its most cold, the weather is hunting, seeking the lovers, begging them to get closer to each other, to feel the warmth of one another, to remind them of how lonely it could be to have no one with you when the cold and dark precede. He held me tighter to him; too tight, like the words that were just uttered carried a hidden message he was too afraid of getting, "remember me.. always like this" I sat up to face him, I placed my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat that moved fast and in an irregular speed, his breathing got heavy but his lips didn't move, tears were starting to form and I knew he knew what was coming, he feared it just as much as I did but he knew it was coming, I leaned to kiss him where my hand had just been and while I was preparing to leave I uttered the only words I could speak: "Don't forget, you were the first to ever make me feel like this"
Somewhere inside of me that little girl is still trapped, I can't seem to shake her past or the way it follows me in my lonely path; I desire so completely without a bone in my body to ever deceive me, and then I stop as if I had never started... So I'll lay on the ground tonight, with one eye open as autumn leaves starts falling.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had a habit of running away, I used to pretend that I was dead; for hours I would just lay on the ground and watch life pass me by, with one eye open, I would see the birds above hovering over me, my mother in the kitchen cooking for my brother and me, my brother playing football by the sidewalk of an empty street, An odd comforting feeling would surround me; almost like a cloth covering me, I knew that if I lay here peacefully nothing could ever touch or harm me; and its a feeling I never got over.. even till this day.
"I know nothing about you" He murmured to me the first night we shared together, lying in his bed with my head against his chest, I said nothing as he stroked my hair and whispered the same words again, "Tell me anything" he retreated after a few minutes of blissful silence, I sat up with my back facing him, it didn't take long before I felt his cool breath against my bare shoulders, his fingers brushing my hair away, he gave me a tender kiss on the back of my neck as if to assure me that all the secrets that are kept away are saved with him, I turned around and looked into his eyes; these eyes, that burned with both passion and curiosity that still terrify me, I kissed him; I kissed him with a desire that craved a wait, that longed for an understanding beyond the wait; a wait for me, a wait for something bigger I believed I was beginning to see.
I remember the first time I felt it, he was away and I found myself alone in his apartment, surrounded by his presence everywhere, but he wasn't with me; his clothes from the night before laid lifelessly on the floor, his coffee mug still unwashed by the counter, the side of the bed where he slept with me was empty, and I couldn't stand it, my heart was hardly beating and I felt sick; sick of how much I needed him, sick of how much I craved him, sick of the thought of how unbearable my life seemed without him.. I can't have that a thought had crossed my mind instantly I belong to no one another thought crashed immediately.. With all the senses I could grasp in that moment, the only option was to leave, but as I sat there on his bed, a picture of him clouded my head and made my heart see that for the first time I was exactly where I need to be.
"Don't forget me.." I whispered into his ear during that one cold night; when its most cold, the weather is hunting, seeking the lovers, begging them to get closer to each other, to feel the warmth of one another, to remind them of how lonely it could be to have no one with you when the cold and dark precede. He held me tighter to him; too tight, like the words that were just uttered carried a hidden message he was too afraid of getting, "remember me.. always like this" I sat up to face him, I placed my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat that moved fast and in an irregular speed, his breathing got heavy but his lips didn't move, tears were starting to form and I knew he knew what was coming, he feared it just as much as I did but he knew it was coming, I leaned to kiss him where my hand had just been and while I was preparing to leave I uttered the only words I could speak: "Don't forget, you were the first to ever make me feel like this"
Somewhere inside of me that little girl is still trapped, I can't seem to shake her past or the way it follows me in my lonely path; I desire so completely without a bone in my body to ever deceive me, and then I stop as if I had never started... So I'll lay on the ground tonight, with one eye open as autumn leaves starts falling.
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