Mango

There's always a part of me behind everything I write, I have to be engrossed in an idea or a fantasy that I try to capture somehow and keep around for awhile, although they are a bit smudged and perhaps that's only a slight indicator of the kind of person I am, its always been and its still is hard to open up and say yes to those difficult conversations I so long to have.. so until I can gather up the courage and find the most convenient perfect time I'll have to settle for these posts with an update tagged to its side.

Few people come in to your life unannounced, those are the people that are capable of making a difference in your life more than others, they shake things up, they excite and intrigue you, and because they come in unannounced they usually leave the same way. Its the idea of being something for someone hoping that this someone would be the right one and I've gambled with this idea before, though I've never struck, chances are I've always left way too soon, but perhaps its because for someone like me, its always been about being something for someone but only for a bit.

My desire is to collect memories; more and more ever since I came to the realisation that nothing will ever be the same again. Family that won't feel the same again; if there's one thing I fear most is knowing when it will end, when will be the last time to spend with someone, and yet knowing that won't change a thing because all I have is whats in between which is always insignificant. I've always been restless when it came to giving time some more time I know that time is properly the only sufficient thing you can offer someone because it's not yours to give nor offer in the first place, but for someone like me, time seemed to harden things by changing the way they appear to be.

There's beauty in transparency and vulnerability, I've always felt a slight pinch towards women that possess these two qualities, they have this incredible passion towards life and people that is both terrifying and admirable... its like falling down from a cliff but choosing to face down rather than face up, because you want to see/feel everything instead of ignore/pretend until you finally reach the end. My close friend has this big heart that feels everything; if its love or hate or even bitterness its there and felt with every ounce, I wish she would never lose that intensity, I wish life nor time would ever harden her, and I can only hope that one day I'll get to feel in that exact way.

Happiness is illusive; especially the one we associate with someone else. I've always wondered if my own happiness depended on the people I'm with, and perhaps wondering if it is or isn't would mean its not exactly happiness. I've taught myself from an early age to never place my happiness where it don't belong and better yet on things that I know won't last, and somehow I grew up to feel like I don't belong anywhere nor does anything ever really lasts.

I want to be a stranger to everyone. That's always been my state of mind. There are parts to show and parts to hide, a little to write about and much less to talk about... I guess I want the one who will want to discover these parts both shown and hidden and would make the time to stick around even after time managed to harden me some more somehow. And this was just an update with a bit of indulgence inside. Good night.