Religion & Me (pt. 2)

'We find God and religions 

To paint us with 

Salvation' 

I have been running short on vocabulary lately, mostly it has to do with the fact that I haven't engaged in a conversation with another human for the past month, an adequate time for my mouth to forget to do that thing it does where it sort-of opens a bit and sound kind of vibrates in the form of words (...weird?) let's just hope this won't be pure nonsense with no substance... Wow, it already started! 

Awhile back I wrote a post about this particular subject, and I've made some kind of oath to return to it and see if I'd felt any different, so here I am, uncomfortably seated with a poor disposition  -might I add- writing about this for the second time.

This is my -most humble- opinion from experience, and I'm only declaring this to shut the voice in my head thats screaming right now: 

- STOP INFLICTING YOUR OPINIONS ON THE WORLD!! 

To which I take a step back, lean then take another one and say: 

- Sorry? 

- YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE!!

Oh... The grimes in insecurity, or is it the salvation in ignorance? 

I honestly believe that questioning my religion strengthen my faith, though it might not seem to be such an easy conviction, I never expected it to be anyway, also how am I to stand behind something I haven't sought and fought to understand? I took a few swings in the dark the last time I came by this corner by asking many questions that I couldn't possibly know the answers to, and I know that's the mere source to my frustration and agitation, it bothered me that I couldn't find a rational argument to settle an irrational topic... Let me explain. 

Last time I wrote about Islam from a religion standpoint (as much as I could remember) but not from an experience, I have been at the two sides of extremes, I've seen people using their religion as a cover to hide behind, a show to display, there's no harm in making mistakes as long as we learn from them, estimate the weight of each mistake or better yet manage to think of the consequences ahead of time, if all of that fails to happen then apparently falling back into the false sense of redemption is what's left.

Everyone has a different set of morals or moral codes -if you will- and it be stupid to assume them to be intrinsic, in a rather harsh reality where everyone has their own agenda they're following, I talk about morals and principles, because they're the reasons behind regrets and resentments, people that seem to possess none, find their "salvation" in religion, and in a way I can see why they would, because it does act as their safety net, think about it, why wouldn't I jump once and even twice if I was made fully aware that theres a safety net on guard at all times? 

I could argue even more and say that depends on the fall, but hey, if you jump you've jumped, that's it. 

Which acts we perceive to be good and which do we consider to be bad, should be defined by us, who we are determines how we act, I don't believe that there's good people and bad people in this world, there are those that do good and those that do bad, and roles tend to intertwine, a person's character is determined by their deeds, I couldn't possibly say I'm a good person if all you've ever seen me do is cheat and lie my way through life, doesn't matter what you think about yourself if you're not able to carry it out through your actions. 

People that use religion to cover their tracks, have no real conscience so they will fold themselves into a religion to get a "sense of rightness" because without it they wouldn't know where to turn, and with the absence of a safety net, wouldn't they just hit the ground? 

Then there's the radicals who lack a clear understanding of the core aspect of their religion, somehow managing to follow its every rule without once embodying its essence, it's true that we're taught to be as close to perfection as possible, but does that mean that we forget that the origin of this religion is kindness, and that the path to it is simplicity? do we scorn those who wear their imperfections outward, dismissing their views and rejecting the special connection they have with their Creator, just because they took (are taking) a different route than us? 

What it must feel like to live in an unprejudiced world? 

*She then holds her breath to silence her inner hippie* 

I haven't found the answers, and chances are I never will, and I've learned a long time ago that God isn't a "rational" theory, even though no one knows how the Universe came about (was there a one prior to it?)  and chances are they never will, so why is it difficult to believe that a Creator was behind it? I'll tell you why, its because knowledge had made us cynical, at least it did me about this particular area, I wanted to find a way to rationalise this irrational topic but that's just not possible, there's no logic to it, you either believe or you don't, take a pick. 

Take your time and think about it, what are we doing and why are we doing any of it? Is there a meaning behind your everyday, or is it all meaningless? Do you take a moment to appreciate the life that surrounds you or you're passing it by and those in it?  How would you describe justice when bad things happen to good people who seem to have lost about everything and are unable to cope? On that one particularly; tell me, is God a good theory? 

Greed had dictated the hearts of those who became blind to sound judgement, there's so much evil in this world, I will not deny it, but no one is born with it, people are taught to hate, why else would one treat another like they're inferior, like their life is of little to no value, that they could just end without much of a remorse? This has nothing to do with what faith they "practise" these are people of no faith to begin with. 

 I don't know why bad things happen to good people, I don't know why so many children had to die in these war zones, can I call them God's Children? Can I be naive enough to call them that? Life is suffering, but with so much suffering in it there's also an abundance of joy in it, its up to us to decide what we choose to see, and only with open wounds do we heal, and with immense pain do we long for and appreciate happiness when its finally here. 

My heart aches at the terrible circumstances so many are in right now, and it hurts a little at the bullshit we lose ourselves in everyday, from pride to drama to everything else that keeps us from being as connected to each others as we could be. We take life and those in it for granted, I know that I used to, and I became aware of that the night I lost a dear person to me, and believe me or not, from deep sadness happiness managed to find a way to shine through, it took the passing of this person to bring my family together, grief made us realise that we can't keep on pretending that family reunions every four years are sufficient, it made us take a step back and think that we ought to be there more, and so we did, and I do believe that even though this person left this world, she left behind her, her spirit to clothe us with. (RIP, love) 

I know this post seemed like ramblings followed by even more ramblings, and I've digressed to the point of WTF and I couldn't quite manage to find my way back, but hey, YOLO... Am I right? Anyway what I wanted to say was that I appreciate the little things that I never noticed before; like the slow pace of somedays, the blur of others, the people that come and go and the memories that follow. If I learned anything in the past months is that nothing lasts, nobody can help you if you are not willing to help yourself, and there's no use in expecting or demanding much of someone, everyone works at their own speed, and I understand that everyone has their own pain they're hiding from or dealing with, people in your life are like mirrors, they reflect something about you, they bring out something you were never aware of before; people in your life are seasons and everything that happens is for a reason. I don't want to stress about the things that don't matter anymore, I don't want to try and recapture something thats long gone and I don't want to make other people's happiness my number one priority. 

This world is indeed chaotic but the only real trap is getting attached to any of it, think about it for a moment, when we choose to let go is when we become free, the driving force in my life right now is maitri and karuna, caring for myself first then those around me; I can't promise to be what they expect of me but I'm here for them in a way I'm satisfied with, and I can't say I've figured out much about love other than its many variations and durations, we do not always get to see our love manifest and blossoms and perhaps thats okay, we don't always get to harvest in our lifetime and perhaps thats okay too, time is a mere concept thats all, what matters is leaving an imprint on those you touch, being there for someone in need, inspiring another to change for the better, holding on to a dear's trust and so on and forth. 

Life is composed of little moments, that make up for everything, sadly enough many are too absorbed in their own minds, that they fail to recognise them. Happiness isn't a difficult equation, it does not require you to be delusional, if you stop expecting and demanding things to be different, and instead accept where you're at right now (with the desire to move and improve further) maybe you can stand a chance at being happy. 

Do You Remember

It was midnight, the sky was deep blue; almost black, a silent night with most of the shops closed, only a few restaurants were open with even fewer people inside. A red light flashed, and the car stopped next to a take-away restaurant, I turned to look at the small chinese place with the olive-green coloured door, and caught glimpses of blank expressions and tired postures, people standing in line to put in their order, the car started to move again before I had enough time to take in the faces; faces of strangers that I'll never be able to recognise, as the car took a turn into the main street, I wondered about them and how I'm most likely to pass them by if I was to ever walk down that street, I chuckled then sighed at the irony of it all; for life is just that; sequences of appearances then passing on, nothing more.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked me while placing his hand by the radio player to lower the volume, the station that was on, was playing folk tunes, whispering nostalgia to every listener, I looked at him to find him staring at the road, the singer's voice was starting to fade out, repeating the words: 'Come home to me darling, come home to me' Her plea that dripped of longing made me wonder whether that home was an actual place or a time, was that same longing wrapped up in hope for a better ending? That the lover would come home to her if he was gone, or return to her, if he had left her? How deep in poison is longing? There really is no remedy for it once it pervade.

"You're strangely distant today" He whispered, staring at me with the sides of his eyes, I smiled and turned to face him "Strangely?" inquiring with curiosity, his eyes gleamed and were focused on the road again "Yeah, sometimes I can guess whats on your mind, but not tonight" I stared at him as the city lights were painting his face, he never looked more beautiful than tonight.

"Do you remember the first time you saw me?" I asked him without taking my eyes away, he eyed me for a second then looked ahead "Yeah" was his response, hesitated for a bit then said "It was around this time, wasn't it?" I nodded, "I still remember you back then" he said quietly, reflecting upon a memory, "What was I like?" I whispered, "Lost" he whispered back then laughed, I rolled my eyes yet couldn't help but laugh too, a memory of a terrified girl in a new city, asking for directions in the subway, rushed into my brain, what a distant time it seemed to me now.

"I was such a wreck" he looked at me quickly then said "No, you weren't, you didn't look as scared as -I'm sure- you must've felt" I shuddered my shoulders, "And if you were, I wouldn't have noticed, I was just really glad you ended up riding my train... No pun intended" he laughed as I rolled my eyes at him smiling, "You had a journal with you" He proceeded after a few seconds, deep in thought, "A black one; with a grey ribbon tied around it, a pen placed between the pages, that made me think that, you've been writing either that morning or only a couple of hours earlier. Your hair was in a bun and you were wearing a short black dress, and black shoes. You sat next to me and kept apologising every time you asked about the station we were approaching... It was so annoying" I giggled when I remembered the amount of 'I'm so sorry to bother you again' I must've said that day.

His eyes were fixed on the road, smiling as he spoke "You smelled good though, so I didn't mind" I let out a loud laugh, as I did not expect that response from him "Thank goodness for that" I said sarcastically, he took his hands off the steering wheel, raising them then mouthing 'Amen' before slowing the car down then stopping at a red light, "I remember wishing that train would never stop or reach a destination" he said staring at me, "You drew me in completely and more so effortlessly, I was hooked" I looked away, as the car started to move again, trying to catch my breath and my thoughts one by one.

"I remember your face and calm demeanour, the way you took the time to think deeply about every question and your awkward laughter when I asked if you were a writer, you shook your head and said 'Words tend to leave me hollow', then I asked if I could read your journal, you handed it over almost immediately, leaning forward whispering 'Here you go, total stranger' and then chuckled in that cute way you do" I giggled "Yeah exactly like that" he said smiling, before turning to face me with fierceness, "What is it?" I asked, baffled, "Its you" he said while pulling the car over to the side of the road and switching off the engine.

"When you gave me your journal to read that day, most of the writings were scribbled over in a bundle of ways, at first it was confusing to understand what was going on, and almost everything written seemed like an inner conversation that was well over my head, but still... There was something more, I don't know how to explain it, the way you write is very personal yet it doesn't really say much about you, its as if you give the reader fragments promising that the whole thing is coming up yet it never does. When I was reading, I saw vague parts of you; a girl that was trapped in her own mind, that reflects a lot on her surroundings, that craves a deeper understanding yet doesn't quite know how to have it"

He placed his thumb over my lower lip, sensing my deep and heavy breathing, with his eyes fixed on mine, he proceeded "You infatuate those that read you, because they feel like they've tabbed into the real you. You write bare, thats the impression you give anyway, when in fact, there's more layers that even you don't know about, and never really tried to. See, you somehow managed to convince yourself that someone else would peel you, and sure enough all of those that came close to do so, you've pushed away because you'd rather be a forever-mystery than a forgotten-memory"

A single tear rolled down my cheek, he brushed it with his thumb, I could hear my heartbeat filling the space of the car, his eyes did not turn from mine "Do you want to know why I didn't ask for your number that day on the train, even when every cell in my body was begging me to?" I shook my head and another tear rolled down, dropping to my skirt "Its because you were unreal; incredibly so. You embodied the phrase of 'too good to be true' for me, and I wanted to leave you that way, to remember you like that, a girl that sat next to me on a train and offered me a piece of her mind and heart, I couldn't ask for more... I could, but I didn't want to. I wanted you to remain a story I tell myself, cause I knew you were like no one else"

He took my hands in his, rubbing them together, before uttering "Of course, I regretted that decision as soon as you stepped off the train, I think I might've beaten myself up about it more than necessary, and then tried to find solace in the dreams I kept having of you in the nights that followed" he went quiet for a few minutes then said "You couldn't possibly imagine what I was feeling when I saw you again in that station, weeks after that first encounter; around the same time you were starting to become a myth, you appeared again in order to set me straight... And well, the rest is history"

Turning away to switch on the engine again, he smiled saying "You remain a mystery, in a way, you'll always be, and I'm fine with that. See, even at days when you're strangely distant, you still find your way back, I can never be mad after that. Now enough questions we need to get home before sunrise, are you in the mood for chinese food? I think we passed a place earlier"

I nodded, taking back his hand to hold, with my other hand I raised the volume of the radio with an indie tune blasting over, leaning to his side, I kissed his ear before whispering "I love you more each day" then went back to the seat, falling into sleep as a light drizzle outside, started to proceed. 

Religion & Me

People that pick their noses 

and keep going at it... 

you're fingering 

yourself, mate

estagfurAllah, aldonya Ramadan 

When you squeeze an orange, until your hand managed to forcefully abstract all the liquid out, to leave a dry-dead looking skin of nothingness at the end of the process (actually that dry-dead skin can be used as a face-mask once heated and mutated, that poor thing; literally went from an orange to a "thing") notice how bad I am with metaphors, and following them up? *ABORT; says disengaged brain* well, here I go again, hand-in-hand with nonsense by my side, buckle down, brain. Buckle down. 

I flinch every time there's a discussion about Religion, I'm not sure whether I was brought up in an oblivious environment where discussions of that sort weren't talked about as they should've/could've been, perhaps it was an observe-and-copy environment where questions felt unnecessary to barge in, later felt a sense of unwelcome, or maybe I'll just blame it on the media because we all know it as the spawn of Satan (everyone is playing that blame-game nowadays) no matter what the reason is, I'll need to get over my preprogrammed anxiety and write what it is I think (I can only hope my prefrontal cortex isn't effected by the fast) 

Like everyone else, I've contemplated about existence, essence and left a blank space underneath the existential questions, because -to be honest- I am deep to my neck with uncertainty whenever I try to tackle any of it. This is my -surely humble- point of view regarding Religion, and I do not wish to discuss any other aspect that hangs with to contradict, be it; the universe and how it seemingly stretched from nothing, how it will supposedly return to nothing, what happens to our atoms once our bodies cease to function, if our energies could be transferred, the freaking evolution of homo sapiens. Na Bruv, I'm not doing none of that. 

Instead, I'll talk about my set of beliefs (raised upon and acquired) that should make me feel "good about myself" once they're applied and lived by, and why its never as simple as that. 

Islam -to me- is a religion that encompasses many layers, when I tried to take it for its literal sense, I found a gap between us as large as the Pacific Ocean, I couldn't relate, the severity of its punishments, the rigidity of its disciplines, the ancient history of its sacred book, I was a foreign in an unfamiliar land, failing to fit in, I didn't have a hard time believing (although weeds of doubt grew now and again) the difficult time was spent practicing, I applied myself, attempting to find it within me to realise why I was doing it, why I was praying, what did I go through during the prayer and what did I feel afterwards? the answer was a flatline of nothingness. 

So basically, you mean to say, you were going through the motions to trigger the emotions? (Yes, captain cliche of all cliches) that was basically it, it also didn't help that all I was exposed to, from the media, was the 'wrong kind of Islam', you know the ones that take God's matters into their own hands, that believe they're Prophets in their own right, that know nothing about their religion but its rules and punishments. 

Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) is the last prophet to carry the final answers from God to the people, through the Koran and his many sayings and stories that I'm learning about, I say the final answers but there's really one question that comes to the minds of people "What is my purpose in life?" and the answer to that, is actually quite simple if I was to take it from the perspective of Islam: to believe in the articles of faith, to carry out the five pillars, to refrain from all of which that is haram (forbidden), and to spread the message of Islam. 

Life is granted not possessed, that's the core asset in understanding Islam, this life we're living now, is a steppingstone to the afterlife, where you are either to be rewarded for your good deeds or punished for wasting the life that was given in evil deeds or no deeds at all. It goes with the saying, many muslims (and most non-musilms) believe in: 'Everything is a test from God' basically what that means, is that God is watching your every move, nothing is random, you are constantly placed in situations that test your faith, your oath, to see how strongly you believe, how sincerely you're carrying out the message.

It goes without saying that there are a lot of forbidden pleasures in Islam (pleasure isn't really the word here, but for lack of a better term) and life is filled with temptations, when I first read about Islam (for pleasure, again for lack of a better term) (can you imagine if a writer wrote a novel composed of sentences ending with 'for lack of a better term' how satire is that? I would pay for that) anyway, I took in the literal sense of the text, and I found myself unable to comprehend let alone apply it to my life, and that is where I took a detour. 

Why did God forbid Adam and Eve from the tree of knowledge? why did He send them to the garden of Eden if they would disobey Him? Was it so that they would inhabit the Earth and begin what was yet to be known as the humankind? Was it a punishment for the first example of disobedience and the suffering that followed it? Or was it to show the story (the legend) of how weak human beings are against temptations (in all its different facets)? Why was shame the first emotion they felt when they became aware of each others nudity? Is that why we grow up hiding ourselves embarrassed by the mere mention of the human form? Is shame the feeling that we ought to associate with sin? Why didn't they feel guilt immediately for doing what God ordered not to? If following the rules is what God wants from us, and breaking them is what the Devil is after, what does that make us... pawns? 

See now why I fringe at discussions about Religion, almost always the endless cycle of questioning is interrupted by a strange abstract thing lurking in, fishing for doubts which form from the absence of answers, trying to catch me, and its goes by the name of Atheism. 

I remember having a conversation with a friend once, about how underwhelmed she felt when the topic of Judgement Day was brought up, her argument was basically centred around how the universe was filled with so many wondrous limitless opportunities and a bunch of many other variables that line up together, that we won't even have time to make sense of, before the end of the world, as we came to know it, where we stand to be questioned about what we've done in that particular day of that particular year and so and so. I don't remember how that conversation ended, and I don't think I've tried to argue to what I "believe" would actually happen, for it is written and those who read about it, can have a picture of what it would be like, and here I go, stumbling again. 

Allow me to pick myself up. 

The signs to the end of the world are both major and small, the major 'time-changing' are yet to happen, though the small ones are happening as we are living now, I'm not going to go through them, in all honesty I don't remember them with clarity, what I can however talk about, is the picture of the last judgment, the one I was raised to believe would happen, from teachings at schools to videos of religious scholars on youtube (as real as it gets, yo) the humankind is called upon to raise from the dead, everyone for his/herself; except those who loved one another under God's name, lived to spread His message and strengthen their faiths together, those are hand-in-hand walking toward their judgement, and those who were not following in God's orders (after taking his name) are running in wild fear without much awareness, the sun is right above the heads, and all are waiting to see, which eternity they'll fall into. Some muslims will run with the speed of light through the bridge leading up to Heaven (Alseerat Al mostageem) those are the ones who lived by God's wishes and have spread His message, others will walk in slowly balancing between their deeds and some will crawl, chained to the deeds that will eventually lead them to punishment.

Another image is the white fabric that will be covering the naked bodies, this fabric will extend according to the person's actions, some will have a full garment and others only shreds. Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) will be the first to lead his nation to the doors of Heaven, the first to knock and the first to be welcomed, he is the one that will quench the thirsts and lead every muslim to his/her place in heaven. Some would have castles and others would have a small space, all depending on their actions on earth. 

Disclaimer: No research went into the accuracy of this, this is nothing other than the ranting of a girl, working her way out of incoherent thoughts, in an attempt to understand what it is she doesn't. I know nothing. 

Reasonable questions that are worth mentioning; why is Islam the final religion for mankind? Why is it the one that'll stand the course of time? Why was Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) chosen? Why wasn't there any documented miracles during his time, forcing the non-believablers to change their minds like the Prophets before him? 

Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) was illiterate, and that's the first fact, that is usually poked on to mock the religion as a whole. I honestly believe reading the Koran and understanding it, is the first step towards killing the weeds of doubts, stories that are documented carries within them depth into the true nature of life, and what we are doing, why we are doing it and whom we are serving. Of course religions before such carried answers too, but Islam is different, in a sense of God's entrusting His message with a man who passed every single test was placed upon him, Muhammed (SAAWS) lost both of his parents at a young age; having never actually met his father and watched his mother dying before his own eyes, he was placed at the guardianship of his grandfather who was the first to notice that he was different, he used to bring him to meetings with him, but instead of playing Muhammed (SAAWS) used to listen, and take in everything that was said, from an early age he was developing his abilities to think and reflect. 

After the death of his grandfather, he was then placed at the guardianship of his uncle, who took him gladly, and Muhammed (SAAWS) worked for many years, starting at the age of nine as a sheepman, then at 15 as a seller (again, I did not check those facts) he was known for his hard work and dedication, his honesty and humility. When I spoke of tests, I meant the losing of those closest to him, Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) realised -from such a young age- what grief and loss truly felt like, how fleeing life actually is, and that wasn't enough to keep him away from the society in which he partook in. Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) was known for his reflections and contemplation, his solitude at Cave Hira in the mountains is the perfect example for when he was seeking answers to the many questions clouding his mind; a notion I know many including myself went (and will continue to go) through. 

I'm not going to write a historical post, instead I would like to answer some of the questions, I stated earlier, I believe that Islam is the final religion for a reason; Koran is composed of stories of pervious times and times still ahead, it surpasses the time in which it was revealed, and the time in which we live in now, I guess I'm trying to say its timeless and that's why its not affected by the passage of time. God breathed His spirit unto Adam, we are all born with an intrinsic essence that somehow speaks to us; call it conscience or soul, regardless of the name, its there, and its the one that determines how we feel about ourselves. Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) was chosen for he embodied all the traits of an inspiring teacher and mentor, he was not only a messenger of God, he was able with his characteristics to effect the course of an entire nation and the many that followed and keep following it. 

There's this question that goes 'If you could invite three people to dinner with you -alive or dead- who would you pick?' I would love to invite Prophet Muhammed (SAAWS) to hear more of his stories and see for myself the enigma that he is. PBUH. 

Just saying. 

There weren't any miracles during the spreading of the message of Islam, and I think that was because the era of miracles was over, Islam came with a direct message; the first word from God to come down on Muhammed (SAAWS) was 'Read' and I believe that thats truly all you need to know, this religion's sole purpose is to teach people to read and become educated so that they'll built and develop worthwhileness in this life. During the early times of the message Muhammed (SAAWS) built Dar Airqm where teachings about Islam and the Koran was being held for the followers to become more informed; they did not follow blindly, they understood the text, something that I think we lack in our time. 

When I pray, my ability to be mindful and present is often transient, I struggle through my urge to fight the distractions and desire to cave in, a reason behind this, could be repetitiveness, I don't need to tell you, how easy it is (in this day and age) for the brain to find dull spots during the day, and praying everyday like its a chore you're supposed to be doing isn't what praying is about, I heard this story about a man who described praying as his personal time with God, he would shake sometimes reduced to tears when he becomes aware of how magnificent and grand the meeting actually is, another story about a man who cried during a prayer, when asked why, he said he was filled with weary and agony because life and its endless distractions managed to take his mind away during prayers, he felt sorry for himself... and I'm sure there are countless other stories, but you get my point. 

I could only wish to arrive at that stage, where reciting Koran during prayer leaves my spine tingling, where the comfort we humans so desperately seek, I can find during my personal time with God. There is no denying that I have felt an emptiness recently, perhaps what's changed is that I can be more articulate when describing it, cause I've grown more accustomed to it, either way I would like to ask you to ask yourself this question: is everything felt in-half here? by here I mean life, Is there a reason why happiness doesn't last nor does sadness, why satisfaction isn't 100% granted? Is it because that's all we're meant to have? and that the other half or perhaps the full pie is savoured for Heaven? 

Its not simple math, struggling to carry out His message is only natural. Life is wonderful, it was granted for living and making the most of it. Yet it's not ours to claim, perhaps thats why I heard so many stories about people (muslims in particular) in their death beds; seeming serene to have found something we living are still searching for, they've let go of their grasp in life, perhaps that's where comfort comes around. Morbidness step aside. 

This isn't one of those 'shed a light on' posts, I do not want to defend my religion, nor justify the horrible acts some people carry under its name. I simply want a platform where I can stand upon, even when mistakes are made, and be able to bounce back. When I was younger the last thing I inquired of someone was their believe system, and now that I'm a bit older, it remains the same. I am trying to understand myself better, and faith is only reinforcing that. 

Disclaimer (2): I am not isolating myself nor do I advocate that, I am also not in the business of converting anything, this is nothing other than the ranting of a girl who's spilling her mind into a keyboard. 

PS: That orange was a metaphor for my mind. 

PPS: I'm so lame.