Notion

If only you knew how difficult it is for me to think about you, you won’t be treating me this way. I know we’re not meant to be, a girl like you would never settle for me. I don’t mean to bash you, please don’t be offended, I’m only stating a fact this world has set centuries ago. Can you indulge me for a bit? I’m not asking for much, or perhaps I am; why should you give me your time in the first place? I know and I’m sorry.

From the first day I’ve met you I knew there was something about you that was different, how cliché of me to say that right? What is a guaranteed way to get a woman’s attention? Tell her she’s different from all the others. Every woman wants to feel special but you never did and that was different.

I approached you and started a conversation that I was not at all interested in I can’t even remember what I said to you but what I do remember is your eyes that kept hovering the place and the space surrounding us, not once did you look at me. ‘Maybe it is a trick?’ my selfish mind was offended, ‘Is she playing hard to get?’ my selfish heart was wounded. ‘I give up’ I lied to myself, and we went separate ways.

I kept thinking about you when I knew absolutely nothing about you. It first began with a simple idea in my mind to ease my aching heart; did I mention before that I was selfish? I made you up in my mind; I gave you a childhood that left you neglected that way it won’t be hard to love you. I gave you teenage years that left you troubled and angry that way it would be my duty to save you. I gave you a haunting past that you never spoke of that way you would remain forever a mystery. I gave you everything that I could ever possibly give someone... and what can you actually give someone? Absolutely nothing.

‘This is not right’ it was never right. My mind was fighting to keep me sane, to remind me that the girl didn’t exists that it was my lonely heart looking for a mean to keep me in the dark. But I couldn’t stop, ‘You’re in my head’ and you were; it was your face, it was those eyes that ruined me. It was your fault and it will always be.

‘Where are you now?’ I wonder if you still visit. Maybe you do but they forget to tell me. My mind is numb and it has been this way for days; it’s the pills, the fucking pills! ‘You’re here’ why are you all dressed in black? You know I like to see you in colors. Why are you crying? Please tell me, I can fix it. I was born to make you happy. What do you mean I’m dying? I can’t be I take my medicine every day. Come sit beside me dear, I don’t like this distance between us. You’re blurry, why can’t I see you clearly? It’s the pills, the fucking pills always working, preventing me from seeing you. You’re getting more and more blurry; please hold my hand before you go I don’t know when I’ll see you again. I can’t breathe, why can’t I breathe? It’s the pills, the fucking pills!

I’m dying, don’t leave me. I did this, I admit I did this, but I did it for us. I can be with you now in our world that I’ve created for us, we can be together. Darling, don’t cry. I finally realized what I needed to do to be happy.