pieces

"She opened, I entered; I entered and she opened. She stroked the dream out of me, she brought me awake, she stroked me into a waking torment, and, slowly, slowly, as though preparing herself to carry it safely and not spill a single drop, she dragged the dream upward from the base of my belly to the edge of my sex. I was grateful, grateful, I felt such a gratitude, and I clung to my wife, who held me tight, waited for me, and then, after a pause, a mighty pause, I shot it all into her, shot the grief and the terror and the journey into her, and lay on her breast, held like a man and cradled like a child, released." - Baldwin

November Rain

I hold a special place in my heart that only you know about. I promised myself to never write another rhyme about you and I during that time, but the years had rolled on me and November is now all I get to see, time never ceased the aching misery, and yet my heart has gone tender for you again; by the looks of it, the weather is on my side tonight, so I'm going to write for you, the way I always promised not to do.

"I want to forget you" these were the last words you left me with, knowing me this wasn't an easy one to say, yet you still managed to say it anyway. I was bare before you; you made a home for yourself with me, pictured all the years to be and what a beautiful life you had to offer me. How silly of a man to fall in love with a woman who never believed herself enough? You had hope; big enough to hold the both of us, yet my cup was still half empty filled with all my buts and maybes.

"Let me in" these were the words you always whispered whenever I got distanced, you took pieces of me away with you, never once minded to hear nor tune my blues. You knew what the inside of me was shaped like, all the walls I tend to hide behind, in a time where I was still figuring out myself, you stood beside me, undressing and waiting; never once got tired of waiting. I was unaware of my affections for you; I blame the past and the person I met before you, that introduced me to a dark hole I disposed all of my feelings into. But when it came to you, I pushed the only thing that sustained me, even though I always knew you were the one that'll save me.

"I want to love you" these were the first words you said to me, back then when you knew little to nothing about me, it was almost a permission you gave yourself, to tell me all about you, and keep certain to leave me no room to doubt you. You made me laugh like no man did, and never once lied about a thing. You've put in the effort for me to understand, that I was the only woman on your mind. How silly of a woman to doubt a man, because it was the only thing she was taught to do as a child?

The men I met after you, were the exact opposite of you. I went along and played a game, been careless with a few sensitive names; what a sad world this must be, when a woman breaks a man only because she knows she can? This was never my intention, yet it makes no difference to mention, all these men had potential, but you left a void within this heart, please take me back to our start.

When you read this you'll know its you, and I know by now you're already somewhere with someone new, I'm not writing this as a plea to leave... I'm not writing this for any reason it seems; perhaps other than the timing and the weather; that brought with them the memories of you and I together. I hope you're happy with her, and you finally came to trust your feelings for her, I only want what's best for you, and I know myself well enough to know; it's not me that can offer that to you.

Before this is over I want to say; don't try to reach me, I know you will. We've been at this for how many years still? All the words that had been said, promises made but never kept, two lovers always willing to retest against all odds and ends. I only want you to know, I'm writing this as a thank you; for you. You made me believe in love and the worthiness I once lost. And for only that I'm always grateful. I'll let the raindrops wash you tonight; this here is my last goodbye. 

Woman

'bokra ahlaa'

They tell you to remember the memories you made with someone, because that's the one sustainable thing you will have once that person has left your life. I never had to worry about that; though I have managed to make memories whenever I had the chance, and wherever I went, I never had to worry about people passing me by, because I was usually the one pushing them aside and leaving them behind. It's not easy for me to open up, I bottle my feelings somewhere I can't have access to and I pretend they're not even there, and that's been my defence mechanism ever since I was fourteen years old... You'd think time could manage a wounded rhyme? Well I'm still waiting. 

I lost someone recently; someone very dear to my heart, a woman that left an impact on me I wasn't even aware of its depth until she passed away. I'm a carefully closed person; and I say that for a reason, I've already stated that it's difficult for me to talk about my feelings and so when the news had came like it was expected to come, I found myself accepting it without even a second shrug and I even managed to produce a lie: I've already made my peace with it a long time ago. The days that followed were somewhat of a blur, between the sudden moments of it hitting me, to the moments of complete and utter disbandment; how is this even fair? to the moments of me denying it even happened. What I remember most is me not giving myself time to indulge in anything, I sought distractions wherever I found any, it was almost like my defence mechanism was just lurking in the corner, and as soon as I've heard, my disguise was made-up and prepared... You'd think time would wear that ole thing down? Well I'm still waiting. 

A pure heart and a warm spirit; a spirit that truly shines on everyone, a heart that has an ability to love beyond any and everything, There's not a day that passes that I don't miss her; perhaps today more than ever, because I've finally decided to write and indulge further. I have no bad memories with her, and I can't help but think that this was the gift she left me with; and not just me but everyone. A woman that never gave up on love or the good that life has to offer even though she suffered half of hers. A woman that remembered all the birthdays and made sure to make you certain of how much love is surrounding you. A woman that always said that no matter what tomorrow always brings whats best. A woman that   held such strength that I don't think I'll ever know the real amount of. A woman that always encouraged and listened to me even when I had nothing to say. A woman that took a piece of everyone and kept it safe and covered. A woman that no words would ever be enough to hold her weight or the impact she made. A woman that loved and was loved by everyone. A woman that was all and every woman. A woman I want to see myself resembling. A woman that taught me to be an open book isn't a thing to be scared of because of fear of being misunderstood. A woman that lived half her life carrying an illness that failed to slow her down. A woman that lived her life loving people and showing them what warmth and love is truly like. 

A mother and an aunt; but preferred to be a friend above all that. I don't know how I'll come to cope or deal with any of that; since I feel like a huge part is missing, how was she able to fill such a huge gap? I can only remember what she was like, the only woman that made me think twice about the way I chose to live my life, and contemplate a way to bring my truest self out. If love alone could've saved her then she would have never died. But since everything is a test or a testament of some kind; though I know this once, the answers would be hard to find... I'll wait and I'll be waiting every time. 

A lovers dialogue pt.5

Break Ups: #1

'So you all the time' 

Girl: I think we should be friends

Guy: *laughs* Oh is that so?!

Girl: See? this is exactly what I mean when I say you don't take anything I say seriously!

Guy: Yeah, because what you're saying is bullshit

Girl: Why do you have to be 'so you' all the time?

Guy: That 'other me' is unfortunately taken today

Girl: God! you make me so angry sometimes; I can't do this anymore

Guy: You don't have to do a thing, babe. Its not like you ever did

Girl: What does that supposed to mean?!

Guy: Exactly what you think it means

Girl: Why do you always have to be so horrible?

Guy: I just say it how it is

Girl: So I guess this is a massive Piss Off to being friends then

Guy: Why do you want to be friends, if I'm so horrible?

Girl: I don't want to lose you from my life

Guy: Do you actually hear yourself when you talk?!

Girl: I'm being honest with you

Guy: No, you're not. You're being scared

Girl: What if I am?

Guy: That's not my problem anymore

Girl: It never was

Guy: Now you're just being a liar

Girl: Did you ever care, honestly?

Guy: If I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here right now getting dumped

Girl: I never wanted for it to end this way 

Guy: I know

Girl: Well, isn't there anything you want to say?

Guy: No use in saying anything now

Girl: There never was any use to anything with you

Guy: *laughs* Never stop being 'so you' all the time

Girl: *laughs* I'll keep that in mind for the next time 

Guy: You should

Girl: If theres any chance we can work it out...

Guy: Theres nothing to work out, its over

Girl: *giggles* I thought I was the one doing the break up 

Guy: Oh right! well, continue, its not you its me, coming up next?

Girl: Stop stealing my lines!

Guy: But I'm so horrible, how can I not?

Girl: *laughs* I guess I should wrap this up before the table turn again 

Guy: Yeah you really should

Girl: Well, good luck and have a great life, asshole 

Guy: *laughs* Cheers

-The end- 

Forget Me

Forget me, for my sake, it was all a mistake. My words tend to shake, and yours had always failed to take shape. Forgive me, I can't pretend; to be a friend. What a cunning game you've led, that's finally coming to end.

You've lied with me once before; that was what I had always feared most; you've never asked about the heat of this soul when it was laying right before yours, never asked about the past or why it distanced me from all of those I came to pass, never asked about the me I was preparing for you to meet, never asked about the real me, the one I was waiting for you to see, never asked me any of the questions that would require of me to let you in. You've never asked a thing. 

It's over; before it even begins. That's how it usually tends to end; all in the name of self defence. Like a dark cloud you came to me, expecting to fix what was wrong within me, opened your wounds a little for me to see, and to give away a bit of my mystery, I was conscious of myself because I knew; a man in pain is unreliable and strange, a dangerous game for me to play.

A closed cabinet; like you'd say, uncomfortable with living this way; but to get hurt would be the one thing I can't accept or take. A sad girl will soak you in, to open up; you'd have to bear and hold her in, till she finally chooses to give in. A dangerous game you'd take-in. 

Forget me, and I say, before I come to change my way, to leave another mistake that is yesterday.