His Poem

He wrote about you
Again tonight
Another beastly poem
To add, to the heartache
You left behind

There's no cure for him
I know and understand
I was wrong to love a man
Whose ghost,
You left behind

Please, release him
If not for his sake
Then mine
He wept for how many nights
Over the mess
You left behind

My heart is stuck in silence
I can not turn back the time
Save the heart of man
You've scarred, then left behind 

Wrong Perceptions

Letting go of wrong perceptions is next. I am trying to understand my feelings better, the different energies, each emotion is transmitting. My life is like a glass of water; at this very instance, and I do not wish to add any substance to it, like how water is pure and transparent, still and stable, that is how I wish to be as I sit before myself.

Its quite hard to distinguish your feelings from a beloved, when they are suffering, and are coming to you with a problem, your very first instinct is to help eliminate it, and because you feel such deep connection to them; every feeling, every word, every thought, they are projecting, you associate with yours, its very natural to feel very intensely about their suffering, preparing to do all it takes to end it, but the thing is, if you are not in a peaceful state of mind yourself, if you are struggling with your own wrong perceptions and ideas, you will not be able to offer them the help or support you wish to. I find that peace of mind is rather easy to obtain but its quite difficult to maintain, it takes practice, distinguishing your own self (with all its associations and different variations) from others, even though we are all connected, we are also separate in these thoughts that arise everyday, if you feel like you are not in a serene place, no matter how much you care about the other, don't take on their pain, its very heavy to carry the luggages of two, have it together for yourself, then embrace the suffering of another.

Recently I was becoming too fixated upon problems that weren't mine, because I care so deeply about this person, I took on their pain and suffering as my own, and I associated myself with their thoughts, in  return, I wasn't able to help because I wasn't ready nor prepared for that. I became angry for (at) them, taking on an energy they have blocked, forcing clarity by asking questions, chasing them with half-baked solutions, all of this happened because I wasn't listening with an open mind and heart, I was only listening to their feelings in relation to mine.

That's where wrong perception manifests itself, I do believe providing your presence for a beloved is how you come to learn about them, and how could you love if you are not there? but in order for your love to be true and wholesome, you ought to look within you, are you able to listen with compassion, deeply listen without interrupting the process with opinions and suggestions? are you prepared to continue to listen even when its causing you suffering? are you able to distinguish their hurt feelings from yours? are you able to accept the pain that lies in store?

No two can go through each other without fire, so if you're in a negative place and your beloved is in one, you will both be stuck, dragging each other down, because neither of you is ready for the ability nor possesses the wisdom to lift the other up. 

True Love

True love is understanding, its the knowing and willingness to learn about another, its shredding the discomfort of new-born closeness, its taking risks yet being patient all together, its freeing and undemanding, its kindness and also compassion, its the entire universe applauding for two souls have managed to find each other merely for believing in the existence of one another.

When I hear people sigh then say 'love hurts' I want to take their hand in mine and tell them; well, of course it does, imagine running through a tunnel, barefoot, catching your breath, you're tired and dizzy and you don't know whats coming next, if you'll ever make it to where the light is. True love is like that, you are running your fingers through the cracks, you are tampering with someone else's past, you are experiencing their pain through their eyes, you are bringing yourself closer, tighter and you feel unease doing that. And not only are you uncovering their parts, you are also discovering yours, you are letting go of the boundaries that kept you distant and withdrawn, you are unraveling your truth, with your spirit, cheering, begging you to let go.

You see, love must hurt for it is patience, love must hurt for it is hope, love must hurt for it is dangerous, and you shouldn't take this as a way to say No, on the contrary, only out of great suffering is great happiness born, don't be afraid, for love does not know fear, Be open, for you are the universe, your love for yourself is your love for the universe, your love for the universe is your love for others, your love for others is where your love for the special one will stand to dream of forever. 

Your Door

Some pleasures are not worth the pain
I've learned from my share of mistakes
But if I was to condition you to stay,
What would you say?

I come to you, baring my soul at your door
With every heart I've ever broke
Every lie I've ever told
All the disappointments and regrets
Me in all of my depth

Tell me, will you take my hand in yours,
Knowing many have held it before?
Will you kiss the parts I've grown,
To only show when I'm told?
Will you make me forget about them all?
Will you care to come close to uncover
The parts no one dared to touch before?

I'm open, pouring my whole into you
Its been a long road, a journey took its toll
I've always been a stranger, only passing through
Tell me,
Have I found what I've been searching for,
At your door? 

Mona

Ever since you're gone
Living isn't quite the same
To me

I pretend to be strong
But I keep on missing you
Everyday

The door you left with is wide open
You ought to come back to me
Your spirit haunts these walls I'm in
Clung to my back, the aching misery

And what a sin, it is
To feel anger that amiss
I know,
The angels must've cried for you
And heaven couldn't wait to have you

Though it hurts
That you're not here
In a better place, I hope
To meet you, my dear 

A lovers dialogue pt.6

Awkward Encounter

'Screw you!' 

Guy: Fancy meeting you here

Girl: *inside voice: oh shit!* Hi

Guy: That's it?! Don't I get a hug at least?

Girl: I'm constipated, I'd rather not aggravate my tolerance 

Guy: Wow, I see you haven't changed much

Girl: Neither have you, isn't that just wonderful?

Guy: Can we be adults about this?

Girl: About what exactly? 

Guy: I'd like to apologise

Girl: Again? 

Guy: So you do get my messages?

Girl: Yeah

Guy: How come you never hit me back?

Girl: Never quite felt like it  

Guy: Wow, well, I want to... I'd like to make it right between us

Girl: And I'd like a tree made out of money, but I'm pretty sure thats impossible 

Guy: I don't want you to hate me forever

Girl: You should've thought of that earlier

Guy: How many times do I need to say 'Im sorry'?

Girl: How many times is 'not enough'? 

Guy: Can we at least establish a common ground?

Girl: Of course, but in an after life, if you deserve to have one 

Guy: Damn ma

Girl: So, are we done? 

Guy: You know what, screw you!

Girl: Now we're getting somewhere

Guy: Who'll tolerate this?! This is bullshit

Girl: I... 

Guy: I've put up with a lot yo! One mistake and I'm cut like that, damn

Girl: I hear you 

Guy: Aha?

Girl: But I don't care  

Guy: Screw you!

Girl: Ok boo 

Guy: This... This won't happen again

Girl: Fine by me 

Guy: You'll regret this

Girl: Sure I will 

*awkward silence*

Guy: Screw you, yo!

-The end- 

Grapefruit

*In my own head*

Sometimes I wonder if people truly do miss each other or is it the memories they once made together, are we just living in a perpetual state of nostalgia? Its absurd to cling to memories, hoping to relive them in a near future. Life is growth, we can't remain in the same place for long (or so I believe) perhaps I'm only now starting to understand myself better, which is why I think it fine to grow out of people; especially ones you were never quite yourself around.

Part of evolving is realising that you don't owe anyone anything, when you are being true to yourself; in everything you do and say, you won't feel a need for an explanation or justification, my words are up to be taken in any way, especially when they're taken by people who only hear what they wish to hear, I've declared to be myself without worrying about anything else, I mean... Its only one lifetime.

These past couple of months were ones of great changes, I guess the truth is always simple in a way, when I have corrected my state of mind, to fixate on whats truly important (ME!) I've realised how everything ravelled itself to me; so simply, all I had to do was take my precious time in understanding and learning.

Pain is familiar, its not that its overwhelming or too much to take, no. It settles with you through the years to become somewhat of a security blanket; I have "trust issues" is one example of past hurt barging its way into the present, we're quick at protecting ourselves from anything that might take us out of the melodrama, because who knows what will happen once the soap opera is over? does life become normal again? (oh no! but I was really getting into this whole I'm-always-hurt-nobody-gets-me stuff) There's this really great ad called Grow Up, let's all look into it.

I have come along way since my last update (how about just saying last year? for the sake of wisdom) I found serenity, and I'm becoming a well-rounded individual, so... Here's to me! (I'd also like to thank God, mum and dad and a few feminists who because of their existence, I now appreciate this blessing called a common sense)

*Grapefruits grow in clusters, so do people

They're sour and sweet, so is life* 

- Self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-respect, it all starts from within

- Journaling for bringing back perspective, being aware of arising thoughts/feelings

- Let go of ideas when it comes to people, get to know instead

- Let go of expectations when it comes to everything, live mindfully instead

- Your outlook defines you, always fuel your passion

- True love is understanding, its also freeing

- When you forgive, do so genuinely

- When you speak, do so kindly

- Do what you feel is right, detach yourself from outcomes

- Breath in: love, breath out: attachment (thank you, H)

- Lessons and blessings, there are reasons behind it all

- Don't compromise your values, don't do what you won't approve of later

- Use your inner voice in the outside more (this is for me)

- Don't allow the past to break you, don't give people power over you

- Your spirit radiates energy that attracts the right into your life

- Be grateful for what you have, aspire and work hard for what you don't

- Be nice, don't be an asshole

*The sun became full of light 

When it got hold of 

Itself - Rumi* 

Come Closer

Come closer and lie with me
Let me taste the parts of you, you hid away
Let your pain spill over, I promise not to break
Let your pain take over, I'll be on the other side
Guiding it away, I just want to know you all
Without a constraint

Tell me about your past and who you used to be
Unravel the road that led you to me
Tell me the lies, hurt and what you regret today
Let me in, you're the most beautiful this way

Greet me with a goodbye kiss of yesterday
A hungover like taste stuck to my tongue today
My heart is heavy
For the many arms that carried
Then misguided it
With you, Its light as a window breeze
I'm finally home so come closer
I'm longing for your kind of escape 

Last Night

"A man will come along one day, and he will love you so much, so much, that he'll teach you how to love him back" She told me over the phone, with her voice cracking on the other end, she was crying, just like me, she was crying and I didn't know what to do, it felt like my burden was only swiftly shifted to include her too, its been so long since I felt anything, and although I knew my secret was safe with her, I also knew that it was too late for me, even talking to her wouldn't save me.

"I'm tired" I whispered back, I couldn't hide the fear that took over, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't seem to find the happiness he promised he'll bring me" I looked over the window, to the little garden outside, that was starting to grow and flourish, it seemed to want to tell me one thing, it seemed to tell me that I had already planted my roots here, I have no other place to be but here, and yet, I couldn't see myself anywhere near.

I don't remember when I first became like this, but its been so long that I don't know what else is there to be. I never had a home, I never knew what safety is like, and so I grew up seeking it in men, different men, that I didn't once relate to, yet I kept searching, I was desperate to find the security I longed for. I wish somebody would've told me that that's not the way to go about it, I wish somebody would've told me that I would have never found it.

I heard her sigh on the other side, I imagined what she must be feeling, she must be angry, she can no longer feel sadness, she's angry at the world, that forgot the people like us, the people like me "There's nothing wrong with you, do you hear me?" She spoke with determination that only meant she's hurting, "I wish you would see how special you are, I wish you would believe it when you see it" I shook my head and then she whispered "Please, don't give up just yet" and with that, her voice crack and it was quiet again, for a few minutes, I heard her discreetly sobbing, until she stopped, we were both drowning in this, and none of us knew a way out.

"I'm sorry" I spoke after a long while "I'm just too tired, I can't live like this, I won't find what I'm looking for, I don't want to look for love anymore. I'm too tired. I'm sorry but I can't, I can't pretend that I'm fine, when I'm shackled to my end with despair, I can't lie to another honest man, living again in false hope that he'll give me what I know I will never find. I'm sorry sister but I'm dying inside and no one seems to understand, I've been hurt too many times, and I don't have it in me to fight. I'm sorry sister... I just can't."

And with that I've put the phone down, for the last time.