Last Night

"A man will come along one day, and he will love you so much, so much, that he'll teach you how to love him back" She told me over the phone, with her voice cracking on the other end, she was crying, just like me, she was crying and I didn't know what to do, it felt like my burden was only swiftly shifted to include her too, its been so long since I felt anything, and although I knew my secret was safe with her, I also knew that it was too late for me, even talking to her wouldn't save me.

"I'm tired" I whispered back, I couldn't hide the fear that took over, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't seem to find the happiness he promised he'll bring me" I looked over the window, to the little garden outside, that was starting to grow and flourish, it seemed to want to tell me one thing, it seemed to tell me that I had already planted my roots here, I have no other place to be but here, and yet, I couldn't see myself anywhere near.

I don't remember when I first became like this, but its been so long that I don't know what else is there to be. I never had a home, I never knew what safety is like, and so I grew up seeking it in men, different men, that I didn't once relate to, yet I kept searching, I was desperate to find the security I longed for. I wish somebody would've told me that that's not the way to go about it, I wish somebody would've told me that I would have never found it.

I heard her sigh on the other side, I imagined what she must be feeling, she must be angry, she can no longer feel sadness, she's angry at the world, that forgot the people like us, the people like me "There's nothing wrong with you, do you hear me?" She spoke with determination that only meant she's hurting, "I wish you would see how special you are, I wish you would believe it when you see it" I shook my head and then she whispered "Please, don't give up just yet" and with that, her voice crack and it was quiet again, for a few minutes, I heard her discreetly sobbing, until she stopped, we were both drowning in this, and none of us knew a way out.

"I'm sorry" I spoke after a long while "I'm just too tired, I can't live like this, I won't find what I'm looking for, I don't want to look for love anymore. I'm too tired. I'm sorry but I can't, I can't pretend that I'm fine, when I'm shackled to my end with despair, I can't lie to another honest man, living again in false hope that he'll give me what I know I will never find. I'm sorry sister but I'm dying inside and no one seems to understand, I've been hurt too many times, and I don't have it in me to fight. I'm sorry sister... I just can't."

And with that I've put the phone down, for the last time.